The Glass World

My resolution

2011-01-13T20:35:00.002+11:00

On the days leading up to the new year, I was slightly confused and afraid of the new year.
The new experiences, people and memories that it would give me.
I was afraid of all the mistakes I would make and all the people I might lose.
All the important decisions I might have to make and all the dangers I will come across scared me to hell.
Also the realization that I wasn't getting any younger made me feel woozy.

Although my resolution for this year has little to do with this blog.
I feel that it's important to me to be able to lay this out in front of myself.
As the new years passed and I started calming down.
I realized that although I have every reason to be afraid of 2011 and all the new experiences, mistakes and misfortunes I will encounter. I'd rather spend my time readying myself for them than to sit around waiting and worrying.
Life's too short to spend it worrying all the time.
Life's also too short to not have time for anything else but working to pay off the bills.
SO, this year I'll be comfortably saving so I can finally get some "emergency money" up and going as well as some money for stuff like a Malaysia trip and a bike =p
2011 doesn't feel like it's gnna be huge...then again neither did last year! (look where I ended up)
I also know that I have everything and everyone to see me through the year....through my life.
I owe thanks to my friends for an amazing year.
And to my girlfriend TB for all her love or me through out last year and the years to come. Can't wait for the adventures we'll see through together in our adventure story =]

Tangled in your smile

2010-08-31T00:38:00.004+10:00

I don't know if fate is worth believing in.
I have all these ideas about what I should be, who I should be.
What I should look like to other people, how I should act and feel.
I answers all these questions I have for myself with one word answers, never giving it a second thought.I now feel useless and stupid.
Wondering what I'm trying to do.
Everywhere I look, there's one of my friends or someone I know doing better at me in something I've wanted to be good at so badly.
I want to be known for something.
Acknowledged for something I've done.
I'm not saying I haven't accomplished anything.
They're just not very interesting accomplishments.
I feel deflated and dumb, useless and crappy.

However, I have found someone that provides me with relief from this everlasting disease called the "Never-beens disease." Has someone ever told you something casually in a conversation between you and them, and realized that just that one sentence or one word made you feel a lot more better about yourself? Or when they look at you and ignore what you haven't accomplished preferring to acknowledge the fact that you're trying?
Maybe it's just me being a loser and finding some kind of relief.
But it's something wonderful to know that someone is proud of you. So proud in fact, that they speak of it all the time. Letting you know just how much of a lovable loser you really are.

She's got me high,
I never wanna come down.
Because she's there at the end of the day to let me know just how proud she is of me for trying.

Blood, Sweat and Burns

2010-08-29T21:39:00.004+10:00

I'm getting better at what I do.
Paying the rent and bills monthly.
Work.
Tafe.
Life.

But I can't help but feel I've lost much more than I have gained walking down this path. I've lost more than I ever planned to, and I feel that I will just keep losing and losing, until my life just isn't worth getting up in the morning for.
I've lost my friends because of work and tafe, it's safe to say that I've lost most of them now. I've lost interest in whats "fun" to do with what friends I have. I've lost almost all interest in keeping fish because of the money I don't have. I'm losing interest in schoolies, preferring to work past it towards a "better cause." I'm losing interest in the image I portray to the outside world (Don't say you don't do it...fine, then explain why you're wearing clothes.)

Stedeford Lane

2010-08-24T16:24:00.002+10:00

I visited a few apartments in North Melbourne today as part of my TAFE assignment.
I also had a very calming train ride home afterward.
What I can't get out of my head, is how far away I am from what I want and where I want to be.
The apartments I saw today were awesome, breath taking.
It made me realize how far, far away I am from anything I want to achieve.
Made me feel small, and unnoticeable.
I will never be a lawyer, I will never be a dentist or accountant.
I will never, ever be someone of significance.
I will never be able to live up these dreams of mine.
Of living in a ridiculously beautiful home, having a happy family and living a life without the shit I live with now.

Shooters and Fishers Political party.

2010-08-16T23:45:00.002+10:00

The name says it all.
Google them.
Why does Australia even HAVE these guys running as a political party?
Amongst the confusion of figuring out who to vote for which is a big deal for me as changes in Work Choices and other government plans could REALLY effect the quality of life for my family and I.
I have also found these guys in a list amongst another twenty or so "no-bodies."
These guys take the cake though.
I mean really? A political party devoted to the red-necked Australians?
Are you sure about that?
How easy is it to become a politically involved body nowadays?
I always thought you'd have to have some kind of potential benefit to the country.

home alone 50

2010-08-13T22:26:00.002+10:00

This has occurred to me a few times already.
But I've realized soon as the last person left the house, I felt completely alone.
Empty and without aim.
I am a person of habit, with the occasional tendency to show....I forget the word.
I am a person that quick to trust, that prefers to deal with grudges quickly and violently.
I am picky about whom I call company, yet cannot live without company.
I think that's the biggest thing about me.
I feel like nothing is worth living for, like the world is about to end just because someone isn't home.
It doesn't matter if they're in their rooms the whole night,
as long as I know someone is at home with me.
I wonder why.

Where I am

2010-08-09T22:28:00.002+10:00

I've been thinking/assessing my situation in the past months and have discovered that
as time passes and plans for my future come into play.
I have slowly and gradually become tired and flat.
Re-occurring worries and daily hassles of life have taken their toll on me.
As it does with everyone else playing the game of life.
Going about work while trying to keep a balanced social life.
I have come to a conclusion, although somewhat extreme in one's financial point of view, that a vacation is in order.
To a certain tropical island off the coast of a certain country neighboring Singapore and Indonesia.
What crushes my wishes for a relieving and re-energizing getaway, is the stone cold fact that I am in the clutches of a somewhat small income and bills.
Every day I live my life through a series of "it's one or the other" circumstances
in which I have to make choices based on how much money I have or will have.
It's times like these that I admire people who have built their lives up to what they are today through years and years of being denied what they have been asking for. Vacations, paid-overtime, days off.
A congratulations is in order for those select few who have the income to provide them with all their wants and needs.
All the hard work, saving and self control has paid off in it's most ultimate form.
A stable, high income with all the extras.
Like them, I am now waiting for my chance to become someone worth admiring.
Now, it's a vacation to Malaysia for two weeks.
Next it will be a car, a house, a family.
It's all about building stable foundations to work on, in which you can build and improve to reach the top of what is a gloomy, overcast society where success is the only way up.
Work hard, save, work harder, save more.
Wait and more even more.
Until you reach something, somewhere higher in this game of life.

Yours truly,
Gamer17756281

Taking the train

2010-08-02T21:13:00.003+10:00

I go to Theory classes three days a week.
I leave the house at eight and get home at five.
Monday to Wednesday.
I attend Practical classes on Thursday afternoons leaving the house at 2pm and getting home at 11.30pm
I go to work Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays starting at 6 and finishing at 4.
I pay $600> a month for rent excluding bills.
I have fees to pay, weekly and monthly.
When do I get the time to do MY thing?
After work and school.
I squeeze in five hours of sleep on an average night.
The only time I spend with friends, is piss drunk at the pub of club two hours before I start work again.
My only mode of transport is by foot or via public transport.
My budget my life down to whether or not I might get a V on the way to school.
My calendar goes by pay days and my holidays are spent working to get ahead of rent.
I never got my tattoo.
I'm giving up on a trip to Malaysia.
I'm readying myself for working all through the Christmas holidays.
And I still feel lucky.
It could be a lot more worse.
I look at average families in the streets, in shopping malls and having lunch at Deganis.
I look up to all those fathers and mothers who work all day and sometimes nights not only to support themselves but their family.
Some of them doing well enough to take everyone out to lunch and maybe to enjoy the rest of the day shopping or something else.
That seems almost impossible to me.
Going out on a Friday night means a lot of budgeting and worrying, usually ending with a "sorry, I can't make it tonight."
I'm not trying to fish for sympathy, or to make everyone sound like they're not working hard enough.
I just want to let everyone know that I'm working too.
I'm doing my share of hard yards too.
And yes, some of you really have to pick your own shit up and stop complaining.
Yes, I look like I sleep in a gutter because I don't dress like you.
Yes, I can't afford to go out because I would like some sleep before work.
I can't get there because I don't get driven around by my parents.
I live in a small house because I can't afford one any bigger.
I shop at Aldi and Box Hill market because food is also becoming expensive.
On the train home sometimes, I feel angry enough listening to kids whine and complain.
Angry enough to want to smack their lights out and tell em to shut the fuck up.
But that's just me.
Girls, you're just as bad.

mmm

2010-08-01T19:42:00.002+10:00

We've had such a great time together.
Laughing, smiling, carrying on.
Birthdays, parties and just walking home holding hands.
It's been a dream like adventure with you.
Filled with beautiful stories of you and I.
However it hasn't been the smoothest of rides.
We've had arguments and complications too.
Bad times, darker times.
Times where confusion and frustration takes the better of both of us.
I feel sadness and regret for being the reason of your sadness during some of these darker times in our relationship.
Spitting words at each other that burn like venom.
Yet also learning and realizing new and wonderful aspects of each other.
I feel so lonely whenever we hang up on our conversations feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
I so alone whenever I imagine myself without you.
I feel so proud whenever I talk about you.
So happy whenever I think about you.

You are someone that has shown me more than I could have ever imagined.
Shown me what life can be and what it should be.
I'm so proud whenever we hold hands, so proud whenever we walk beside each other.
So damn proud whenever I say I love you.

As an apprentice

2010-08-01T18:57:00.002+10:00

Working at Deganis is so damn good!
So good in fact that whenever i feel angry, sad or just plain down.
I feel like just going into the Deganis kitchen and smashing out a few orders.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, cooking is becoming part of my life.
Or should I say part of another life of mine, somewhere I can just run to and forget for a few hours.
I enjoy it, I love it

2010-05-16T14:55:00.002+10:00

A Life without love, is a life not worth living.
Sincerity is hard to come by these days.
But I think I've found someone worth fighting for.
Someone worth sacrificing for.
I'll die for you.
Give everything away in my life for you.
Anything, anything I'll do... only for you.

Holy Omoly

2010-05-13T01:39:00.002+10:00

Hello stranger.
Haven't seen you in a while.
Here I am, with another fat piece of useful knowledge.
How exciting!

I really can't think of anything to write about at the moment.
Except that my uniform is so beautifully white!

All thanks to a warm wash in the washing machine, a good quality laundry detergent (I recommend Omo ;))
Napisan OXY ACTION MAX!
And this wonderful Australian made and owned pre-wash stain remover.
Crazy white this stuff is.

Without a runway

2010-03-20T02:14:00.004+11:00

I too, feel uneasy.
As though without a home to retreat to.
Lost within the fog which covers not only my path but blurs my vision and chills my bones.
I am without a part to play in my own life.
Growing, evolving and passing each day without a role for me to fulfill.

It is not because of my family, or friends or girlfriend: but myself.
I am the only one to blame for these feelings of emptiness.
As though I am completely free of people that need me.
Like a charm that's served it's purpose and no longer needed.
Is that what ties me down to earth?
To have to feel the need of others to have a reason to stay?
These thoughts have circled my head, never failing to confuse and bewilder.
Yet whenever I turn to the thought of being 20 stories above the ground, staring at the moon casting it's bright shadow upon the Straits of Malacca.
Every year, every year I have tried to fly back.
With the same feelings before I board the plane.
As though looking for someplace quieter.
Looking for Eden.

Why do I feel such a need to go back.
Like something awaits me.
Something I need to fulfill almost.
Like a bottle left open on a kitchen bench, aching to be closed.
What pulls me towards such a place.
I have a family here.
I have friends here.
A loved one.
A life.
Yet like a stringed puppet, my head is turned towards a different direction.
My heart too.
My whole body following right behind it, damn this spine of mine.
Master puppeteer, I beg of you.
Free me of these godforsaken thoughts.
Let me be.

Allow me to return to bed, leaving these answerless thoughts behind.
Leave me be, leave me to smile upon thoughts of my lover.
Turn on those lights, and let me rest my fatigued wings.
Before the fuel runs dry, and the co-pilot cries.
Save me from these thoughts.
My knight in shining armor.

Fuck traffic lights

2010-03-18T02:44:00.003+11:00

Throw it all at me, and I will still come out of the burning fires of hell with your head slung over my shoulders. Each and every time.

I'm slowly working up more and more speed, gaining momentum.
This time, much faster than before.
I'm stopping for nothing and no-one.
I'm going to break through every wall and road block put up in my life because theres nothing that stands in my way that will bring me down again.
I've had enough of sulking around feeling lost and lonely.
I'm here and I don't give a pig's arse whether you care or not.
I will pummel you if you stand in my way and destroy your life if you try with mine.
This is a warning to all my foes, all my enemies.
Be scared.
I'm here, and you're not stopping me.

"I'm so proud of you" - TB

Here I am

2010-02-05T21:23:00.003+11:00

Wow, William Angliss.
I'm still coming to terms with it.
Every morning, when I get to the front doors after walking from Southern Cross.
I kinda tell myself "here I am!"

Here I am...
Sitting on my desk, thinking about what a big turn I've taken.
From highschool to Tafe and into the Hospitality Industry.
I haven't let you down yet Jeannie Tan.
I just started, and it'll only go up from here.
Cept for the part when it rained during tafe and I almost stabbed myself walking home with my knife kit.

I feel so proud of myself.
But it's no where near over.
It's just the start of a long arduous road to becoming someone driving a merc.
I know there will be testing times when I feel like throwing my hat to the floor and walking out of the kitchen.
But hey! I've got a strong will, and where there's a will there's always a way.
Here I am, standing outside the doors of the D building Kitchens.
Here I am, working at Degani's.
Here I am, going to dinner with A lovely girl.
Here I am, living life.

WAI

2010-02-02T16:32:00.002+11:00

Second day at tafe.
It's going pretty good, i made a few friends today from another group of VCAL students I didn't meet yesterday.
So, yes I have a few friends that aren't absolute fuckheads.
Did a walk around the city today to "warm us up" for the AMAZING RACE tomorrow around melbourne.
Yes, we go around the entire city looking for clues and such and go back to the institute to finish the race with all the clues and such.
FUN FUN FUN!.....too hot.

No time for the Australian Open

2010-02-01T17:14:00.002+11:00

Hello stranger!

I haven't missed you all that much, no offense.
It's more like I haven't had the time to even think about you!
We have to go out for coffee sometime soon, I've got so much to tell you!

Where do I start...
A brief overview?
My holidays started off as a huge whirlpool.
Parties, work, and all the time in the world directed at accomplishing absolutely nothing.
Then two weeks into the holidays, I jumped straight into working seven days a week at the aquarium.
Earning, saving and spending.
I had no time for family or friends, let alone time to myself.
Then a week before school started, I was offered a job cooking for a small cafe as well as being trained by an awesome head chef.
Now here I am blogging after the first day of WILLIAM ANGLISS INSTITUTE!

I'm sorry, but I'll have to see you again soon or else this conversation will do nothing but make me late for feeding the fish and cleaning up the house.
See ya soon ;)

Lingerie

2009-12-26T01:04:00.002+11:00

The more complicated we make our lives,
the less of it we actually appreciate.
Dinners,
parties,
sleepovers,
work,
movies.
I realized the more you put into your organizer.
The less time you have to actually live your life.
To be able to stop and breath.
In the lives the majority of us live.
We have work to be completed.
Bills to pay off.
Mortgages to worry about,
and a family to care for.
Call me a brute.
Call me incensitive.
But this time around,
I see all those different things as just another weight on my life.
Blurring my vision and preventing me from living life.

What I don't see.
Is that no matter what I'm doing.
Whether it be working my ass off from eight to eight.
Or picking up my future kids from childcare.
Or having to walk the dog.
It's life.
I already am living life.
What makes me feel as if I haven't had the opportunity to stop and take a moment in for myself is because I haven't actually tried.
So here I am,
letting everyone know that this time, before the year ends.
I'm going to stop, and take a breath.
Look at the scenery and tie up my shoelaces again before I take another step into a new year.

Closing my eyes.

2009-12-15T21:23:00.002+11:00

I really have let go these few weeks.
Working eight days weeks, then requesting one day off to spend over 150 dollars on a night of alcohol, drugs and sex.
Thats happened three times now.
I feel triumphant, but at the same time a coward.
I'm changing.
My friends, they seem ignorant, childish and stupid.
My job, seems almost as important as wiping your ass.
William Angliss is the only thing that keeps me alive and breathing.
And finding a girl is still a distant memory.

I know that I'm changing.
I know that my outlook on life and the world is changing.
I know that my feelings towards people is changing too.
Maybe it comes with leaving high school?
Or maybe it comes with realizing just how different your are to your friends after all.
What am I?
Who do I fit in with?
What goes through my head?
What makes me laugh, cry and smile?
What ever happened to my old self?
What will I become?
I must say that now, I really understand how people can be psychologically addicted to drugs.

Dangerous they are.
Dangerously delicious.

Siapa cintaku?

2009-11-17T23:40:00.003+11:00

Semua pos yang saya menulis untuk blog ini tentang siapa cintaku.
Tapi, saya menulis banyak sekali pos tentang subyek ini karena saya pun tak tau siapa cintaku.
Saya mau cari cintaku, tapi saya tidak sabar sekali.
Saya tak tau mangapa mau cari cintaku.
Tak tau mengapa saya sangat tak sabar.
Tetapi ada sedikit orang baik hati yang saya cintai.
Orang ini, adalah perempuan yang cantik sekali.
Baik hati...lucu...dan sangat menarik!
Saya pun mau cintaku memilihari ikan tropis atau saku ikan yang saya memilihari.
Mengapa? Karena, cintaku harus jalan dengan saya ke beli ikan di toko ya?
Saya bermimpi juga...

Dalam hudupan saya.
Kurang lebih tujuhbelas tahun.
Saya ada due cinta.
Cinta satu bernama Kana.
dan cintaku kedua bernama Rach.
Dua cintaku ini saya cinta sekali.
Tapi hari ini, saya tak cakap-cakap dengan mereka.
Megapa?
Saya tak boleh cakap dengan mereka tanpa ingin perasaan yang sedih.
Aduh, saya tak tau megapa dua cintaku tak cinta saya.
Hmm, tapi Rach capak dia cinta saya di telepon Minggu depan.
Dia di Malaysia!
Megapa!!!!!!
Saya mau lari ke rumahmu!!!
Saya merindukan kamu lah.
Saya mau pergi ke Malaya cari kamu lah.

Bahasa Indonesia saya sangat keras hahahahaha
Saya capak bahasa indonesia bersama anak cacat.

Pawns on a race track.

2009-11-08T03:40:00.004+11:00

A realization over time.
We as humans, start life with birth and end life with death.
During life, we survive to reproduce hence creating new life and aiding in the continuation of the species and maybe even evolution.
Of course evolution takes hundreds of millions of years, but that's beside the point.
The life cycle of humans in underlined by those two sentences.
Heck the life cycle of almost every living organism can be described with those two sentences.
However, what differentiates us from other living creatures.
Is the way our lives branch off as to how we live it.
MILLIONS of different branches.
This is due to our ability to make decisions and our extreme intelligence.
Making decisions, learning, inventing, building.
These are all part of why we are here today.
Some live simple lives mainly fulfilling one's everyday needs.
Food, water and shelter.
And some live intricate lives in which education and a "better, more fulfilled" life is created and lived.
Things get complicated when we consider the latter.
Take a baby for instance.
It needs food, shelter, water and protection.
We provide all those things plus medical attention, education, clothes, sports teams, cars and microwaves.
From the latest medical sciences and practices to planting potatoes.
Almost every facet of a human's life is constantly upgraded, made better and more efficient.
During life we go through school to better our understanding of the world, we go through work to provide for ourselves and others. We have times of leisure in order to relax from everyday life, we go through weddings in order to tie ourselves by law to the one we love.
All these things, work, school love, marriage, money, stress.
All of these we have invented ourselves through our lifestyles.
And my what crazy life-styles us humans live.
We all work towards owning a 6 acre mansion driving Cadillacs, drinking bottles Corvoisier and snorting Columbian cocaine.
We are almost programmed by centuries of rules, laws and expectations to strive for a life of the rich, powerful and sometimes even famous.
Some of us make it, most of us fall in between and some fall just short.
Through the lives of everyone we worry, hate, love, like, dislike.
It seems to me as if nothing can go wrong, the human race will only continue to advance and power it's way through existence.
Indestructible, almighty, supreme.

Life is so easy, so carefree these days that we forget just what our weaknesses are.
We control so many things in our world that we forget what controls us.
We are held by the neck, yet we forget who's hands they are.
Doesn't anyone else feel weak?
Like a dog on a leash, commanded to live until death.
The beauty of humans, living with a reason.

Immaculate imaginations of the untaken

2009-11-07T01:04:00.002+11:00

Me and Jit saw the most amazing moon rise tonight.
It was huge and ORANGE!
Very romantic.

Everyone has the ability to imagine.
In this case imagining the perfect way to meet "the one."
Whether it be in the pouring rain or bright sunshine.
On a driveway or on-top of the world.
We all have our little giggles and smiles when we start to imagine and write ourselves a little love story in our heads.

Our imagination runs wild when it comes to meeting "the one". When i fall into one of my day dreams during school or at home. And wherever i fall into the day dream, that's what a day dream about. The other day, i day dreamed about a new girl joined one of my class and we instantly clicked. It always makes me smile, just a the possiblities. THen my friends always have to go and snap me out of my day dream.

I always catch myself smiling by myself whenever I think about my trips back to Malaysia. Sure, it'll never be possible for me to keep a long distance relationship going. But the thought of just meeting someone new and interesting from a totally different planet just intrigued me.
I guess the possibilities are endless.

What really interests me, is why I imagine and day-dream about something like this.
Is it because I'm a desperate soul looking for a quickie or am I deprived of intimacy with another. Or do I just have fantasies to satisfy my labido.

Sometimes i feel like i have two consciousnesses, i know that you have a sub-conscience which your not suppose to be able to hear but it influences your actions. But i seem to have two consciousness, one trying to do work or do what i'm supposed to be doing. The other is always thinking about, crushes, how i can make relationships work and how to even start them. I suppose that's the down side to having a flowing imagination, it distracts you.
But i just can't help but to smile. Maybe it's what keeps me going.

Jitrin is so, relationship and girl driven.
I wrote two paragraphs.
Jitrin wrote a book.
hehehehehehehehe

2009

Google

2009-11-06T02:39:00.002+11:00

I hopped on google images to look up "hot Asian guys."
Who knows maybe I really am bent over?
Found some pretty interesting pictures.

Gives me an idea how what I want to work towards.
And what I don't want to end up as.
Gives me and Idea of how long and how much effort I have to put into my body.
I have to say though.
I've six kilos under my target weight for this year.
One month to go, I can probably shave off another kilo.
Which would result in a gain of 5 kilos this year.

Apart from my attempts to look like Bruce Lee,
My General Assessment Test for Box Hill TAFE is tomorrow arvo.
I'm still finding it hard to take this seriously, I mean c'mon.
It's Box Hill TAFE!

had a couple of weeks break since my first exam, Biology next Tuesday followed by PE and English. Then to top it off with my Indonesian written and listening and the William Angliss Interview.

After that, I'm free.
Free to party to my heart's content.
Oh! I've got my job back at the aquarium too.
The pay is a bit higher, with a pay rise coming New Year-ish.
I'm still going to look for a job in a restaurant.

Annnd, that's what's happening in my life.
Written in a very bland and mediocre form

The First Morning

2009-10-31T06:08:00.003+11:00

nap time

2009-10-29T17:03:00.002+11:00

YO.
I completely bombed my Indonesian Oral.
What a let down.
But this is an uplifting blog so.
Right after exams are over.
I'm gnna start living up these plans of mine for my december and january months.

-get a job
-get ready for tafe.
-Take a shower
-Go to the beach
-Gym it up
-Get my tattoo finished and start saving up for my second one.
-Partyy
-Start saving up for schoolies and schoolies trip to malaysia with luke and co.
-buy more fishes!
-Move into the guestroom to make room for Ritchie and Pia's return to the house.
-Clean up the house for dad's return. Make it all nice and clean and tidy so he can just leave again. hopefully
-Satisfy my insatiable apetite for companionship and get some numbers. mmmm
-Get my L's
-Set a few grand aside for a bike next year.
-

Now in order or priority!

-Get a job.
-Get Ready for Tafe.
-Move into the guestroom
-Clean up the house before dad comes back.
-Get my L's
-Save up for schoolies Toquay, Malaysia Trip with Luke and CO, second tattoo.
-Finish my first tattoo
-Party big time.
-Beach it, big time
-Then maybe take a shower after gym.

Filling

2009-10-28T03:24:00.003+11:00

Like the rising and falling of a dog's sleeping breaths.
Life too has it's steady ups and downs.
I'm not here to write a paper about life and how it should be lived.
I'm just here to document my life as it is lived.
Looking at this blog, overall it seems so naive, so typically teenager-ish.
Thats what makes me smile.
Looking at myself knowing I've still got time.
Time to learn from past mistakes.
Time to grow and make more and more decisions.
Time to get just the right fit of shoes.
To be able to walk comfortably when it comes to walking down the beaten path of adulthood.
The closer my interviews and exams get.
The further I seem to feel from my youth.
After I move out of highschool and into a totally different learning environment.
I'll be looking for a job.
Discussing when and where to move out to with either Fi and Ritchie or Luke.
It feels as if I've just unzipped the costume of youth and stepped out into the daunting sunlight where what you do and who you are actually counts for something.
I have so many plans.
So many goals and dreams I want to reach for, acheive.
It's the sinking feeling of whether or not I'll be able to do it.
Whether or not I'll be able to get up there in time to catch those dreams before they fly away.
Time really flies when you think about it.
The amount of neccesities I have to satisfy, along with the goals and acheivements I wish to take on.
It all seems almost impossible.
But in the real world, hard work and smart thinking results in good outcomes.
Always.
So think ahead, work hard and always have those dreams in your heart.
Because bottom line is, you're the only one who can make it.
You're the only one whos going to able to fulfill all those empty wishes.
Vamos

FLENDS

2009-10-26T23:40:00.002+11:00

Since my last post,
I've been feeling so much more intact with my life.
Those tears have been waiting to rolls out ever since I stopped myself from crying at mom's funeral.
It felt surprisingly good.
I sorta feel like I've found another side to myself.
A side I knew existed, just that I never saw it untill a few days ago.

Speaking of different sides to myself.
I'm here to write something about my two best friends.
The ones that have been right beside me through the happiest and darkest moments of my life.
I'll start off with Luke.
We've only been friends for five years, but it seems every year that passes.
We seem to grow closer and closer.
Seeing different sides of each other we never thought were even there.
Luke's oupa passed just a week ago, and I was surprised when he opened the front door and walked in as always, but all he did was hug me really really tightly.
I knew his oupa passed away, but I never knew he wanted me to be there are the family funeral.
To be honest, I was glad to know that Luke trusted me and wanted me to be there.
In some ways I look up to Luke as a person who never lets anything bring him down.
He's like a huge Rottweiler, friendly and always there for a helping hand.
I'm glad to say that I've been there through the worsts and bests of his highschool life.
He's told me all about his past and what he sees in the future as well.
I think it's finally safe to say I know him inside and out.
Luke always tells me the same thing everytime I turn to him for help.
He always says "You'll be right."
That guy, can be so serious when he wants to be, but never around me.
Probably because I never let anyone look down when I'm around.
I remember when he had female troubles and he had the messiest face.
I just kept telling him about funny times and times when we looked our worst but came out laughing and carrying on like we always do.

Jitrin,
This guy is such a sheltered boy.
But this skinny, lanky asian is such a calming person.
He's always telling me that everything's going to be fine and that the past can't get any worse than it is so theres no point worrying about it.
It's not going to go anywhere.
Jitrin is such a calm figure, he knows exactly how you feel and always tried to put himself in your position.
Hes a great person to talk to and just figure things out with.
Big mellow fluffy teddy bear that guy is.
Such a softy.

These guys are HUGE when it comes to my life.
They're always there, and will never let me down.
Love the fuckers to bits.

I cried! I finally cried.

2009-10-24T05:16:00.005+11:00

Mom used to say that life wasn't about what you had, it was about who you had.
She also said that, time no matter how long or short it is. Should be spent with everyone you love and cherish. Because when it's all over, you'll know who those people are that really made it worthwhile.
My mom was a true, die-hard believer in "love heals all the wounds time leaves behind."
She was a damn hard worker and great mother figure to everyone.
She had a thing with kids too, she always wanted more and more.
She had courage, strength, love and a wicked sense of humour.
She could put down any worries you had, any troubles you were facing with just a smile and a hug.
I remember when I got into trouble with dad and she came into my room and just sat next to me. Almost as if she knew I didn't do anything wrong.
She didn't try to talk to me or try to cheer me up.
She just sat next to me, knowing that when I was ready, I'd lay my head down on her lap and just cry it all out.
Thats what Jeannie Tan is.
She doesn't care whether you were wrong or not.
She doesn't care whos kid you were.
All the cares about is that there is always a better way to teach kids.
That theres always love for anyone and everyone.

I remember when I was in grade three and I was way behind in my timestables.
I came back home feeling all stupid and worthless, because throughout the whole year I try my hardest to learn but I jsut couldn't soak it in.
She told me nothing was impossible when I finally told her why.
She accomplished what my teacher tried to do for a year in two weeks.
TWO WEEKS!
I remember the silent treatment too.
Mom never EVER yelled at anyone.
She just stopped talking when she was done with what she had to say.
And she'd just continue on with whatever she was doing.
That spelt doom for Ritchie, Fi and me.
There were no consequences, but the guilt just ended up eating us from the inside out.

To be a son of my mother is a privaledge, an honour.
A gift from the heavens.
To have known her for twelve years of my life.
They were and are going to always be the best twelve years I've ever lived.

Jeannie Tan knew no pain because she knew after the pain came a stronger person who lived through it. Heck we all knew the excrutiating pain she went through having three kids. She always said it was the happiest moments of her life too!
But she never even flinched once when she was in hospital either.
She knew no anger. She was the most patient and kind person you can ever meet.
She never raised her voice, never threatened. She was always calm and collected, even when shes stressed from work.
She knew no fear. Shes strongest person I know, of course she had moments where she cried and had her doubts. But in the end she was always the one picking everyone else up and giving them a hug. She was always the one that stood strong and held everyone together. She is the bravest, strongest person I've ever known. Except when it comes to cockroaches. She said the flying ones scared her the most.

Mel Gibson was her favourite actor, Kenny G her favourite singer.
She loved fancy dresses and always had home remedies, whether they work or not was up to luck.
She loved PB&J sandwiches and I'd always help her make them in the mornings.
She had two sugars to one teaspoon of coffee.
And mother's Day breakfasts in bed was what she lived for.

I never got to say what I had to say at her funeral.
So here it is, here is what I have to say.

And I know I'm 6 hours and 14 minutes late mom, but it took me a while to write this.
You are beautiful, strong, brave, loving, warm, kind, funny.
You are the most important person in the world to me and you always will be.
You are the one who gave birth to me, took care of me and taught me everything I know today.
You are the reason I'm still alive today and you are the reason I am who I am today.
I love you so much mom, I love you with all my heart and I don't want you to forget that okay?
I love you so much and I wont ever let you go.
Because out of everything and everyone in this world, you are the only reason why I'm here.
And you're the only reason why I keep my head up high, just like you did even when times got rough.
I keep walking down the road of life because of you and I will strive to be my best and to be everything I have for you and I always will and don't you to forget that.
Mom I know that no matter how much I want you to come back, it will never happen.
But I'm glad to know that you're still there and you're still looking after me like you always have. I'm glad to know that you're still there to watch me grow up, and I want you to know that I won't ever let you down.
I know you were there whenever I felt alone.
Sometimes you're so close I can almost hear you.
And I know you'll never leave me because as long as I'm your son, you'll never give up on me.
Even when the world turns it's back on me.
I love you mom, I love you so much and I always will.

And untill the day comes when I get to see you again, I'll live my life for you.
And I'll be the best son I can be for you.
No matter what.
I promise. and you know I keep my promises.
because you know me best.

Happy Birthday.
I love you.

Tan Chew Peng (Jeannie)
Born on the 23rd of October 1961 and lived to the 12th of June 2004.
You will always be in my heart, and I'll always love you.
Live in the sky.

Painted by Imaginations

2009-10-23T01:27:00.003+11:00

Since I was about ten I started planning out my life and how I wanted it to be what it looked liek through my imaginations.
Course, being a kid then it seemed all too possible.
Being wealthy, free, without worry, living in my dream homes.
I remember having a whole night to myself on my old recliner on the balcony.
Just thinking about what I wanted to incorporate into my life.
What I wanted my life to be like and how I wanted to live it.
Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to see and hear.
Eat, drink, feel...That was five years ago.
Here I am, dreaming again.
Of course, my plans have slightly changed.
However, all of those somewhat childish imaginations are still alive and well in my head.
Controlling my body, letting it know what do to next and to never let go of the dream I'm striving for.
As a responsible human, I fully understand and am aware of the troubles and tribulations we all face living life.
Although, as the sole owner of my life, I also realize that I am free to do whatever I want with my life.
How I should and shouldn't twist, bend and mould it.

I can still clearly remember my vivid imaginations while I was reclining on my balcony in Malaysia.
Nickleback playing softly yet loud enough to remind me I was still alive and awake.
I told myself that I wanted to be a famous chef, someone who eventually became rich and wealthy doing what he loved.
I was a budding aquarist then so having a small aquarium for personal viewing in my future mansion was a must too.
Along with being a wealthy chef keeping huge aquariums, I also wanted to buy over my grandma's house, the one I was staying in dreaming about all this.
And like a true dreamer, a girl of my dreams definitely had to be included.

All of these big dreams for such a young fellow.
All aimed at buying over my grandma's $2,000,000RM eight bedroom house.
I felt so strongly about what I wanted to acheive that I downed three beers!
Three beers for such a young kid.
All too demanding for a small body that I fell asleep and dreamt of my recently planned out life.
It was almost a movie of my life.
Starting from me waking up from the recliner to driving fast imports and living life happily at 1-A Taman Scotland, Penang, Malaysia.
No wonder I'm still aiming for all those things.
My mind-set hasn't changed.
To me it's not a matter of when or how.
It's not a matter of difficulty or work-load.

In the end, all I really care about is reaching that goal and being able to hold it in my hands.
I look forward to sitting back in a recliner with a beer in one hand and a smoke in the other.
Looking out into the sunset bathing Scotland road in golden paint.
Jitrin asked what I'd do if Taman Scotland was torn down.....course it's more than possible since it's big enough to put apartments there.
I'm glad I answered that question, because it was the most naturally flowing words that I've ever said.
I was kind of surprised when I said it too.
It was like the one and only truth to me, and I believed every single word of it.
I replied him with a simple "I'll just buy the plot of land and ask grandma to work with an architect to get it just the way it was."

2,000,000 seems like a lifetime doesn't it?
Oh well, looks like I've got some dreams to catch =D
2,000,000.... 640000AUD....ahh well.
It shall be done.
No matter how long it takes.

Oh and the Louvre? Just to ice the cake.

35 days

2009-10-21T23:16:00.002+11:00

William Angliss has got me in the shakes recently.
I've been constantly thinking about what to do if I'm not accepted into the institute.
After all that thinking, I still can't think of what to do if I don't get in.
Other than go for Box Hill tafe which to be honest is just worse than staying in highschool in my eyes.
I don't really know why I'm so anxious about this.
The only thing I have to worry about is my report.
Well, it's actually the most important part of my port-folio right now.
Low attendances, bad comments, interviews required...
I'm barely passing.
I guess the only way to pick it up is just to tell them the truth.
Straight out and honest.

I wasn't at all interested in the subjects I was doing at highschool.
I was planning to go to a tafe to start becoming a chef but I decided to try out VCE before I made any quick decisions.

That's just about the only way I'm gnna be able to bring myself up from the ditch my report creates.
But just the though of not being able to get in just makes me want to piss my pants.
I'm so worked up about not being able to study and work there.
I guess I do have a reputation to hold.
Fi and Ritchie both are aiming for their masters.
Ritchie is Biology, Fi in Law.
Me? I'm the only drop out of the family, wanting to be a chef.
My siblings are gods compared to me.
I have to be accepted into the best Institute for Hospitality or else I'm just another failure in life.
If theres one thing I'm good at, it has to be keeping aquariums and cooking.
I just want to be wowed at when my friends and family see and hear about me you know?
I don't want to be the one standing in the corner while my grandma and family look at me with that dissapointing look.
I dont want to be flooded with "You tried your bests" and all that crap.
I want to be just as good and just as looked up to as my brother and sister!

35 days till the interview....

Put me to rest

2009-10-20T04:32:00.002+11:00

I guess what attracts me about that place is the constant daily excitement.
The daily hustle and bustle.
Funny moments, moments to cherish.
New faces, dinners to dress up for.
Smelly drainage canals.
Smoggy skies, smouldering hot days.
Never ending sounds of cars and bikes.
Huge aquariums filled with my dream fish, at truly rediculous prices.
Being the alien, the one brought up on "white rice".

Just being there gives me the feeling of being a completely different person.
Almost as if I've put on a mask and waltzed into a masquerade.
Dashing, wealthy and without worry seems fitting.
I have to admit, life there really is different.
Centre of attention whenever I walk out in public.

I have to say, walking on the strech of beach outside my grandma's condo without a shirt on really makes me feel on top of the world.
Sure, the girls staring really does help boost my ego.
The frightningly still nights on the rooftop of the twenty story condo with a few bottles of freezing Tiger beer and smokes that cost me a third of what they should be.
The amount of feelings that place brings to me.
It's almost bliss, like a dream I never want to end.
But that's what it is, a dream.
Someqhere I escape to once in a while.
But as REM sleep goes, it only lasts a few moments before I wake up to school, responsibilities and daily dissapointments.

All my firsts happened there.
It seems almost impossible...that place.
Such a crazy speedy place, yet it's just one big place for me to lie down and nap under the sun.
Everything I need, want and dream of...there.
Where I just can't reach.
I guess that's the real meaning of a getaway.
Heck it's so good I want to bring Luke and Jitrin there.

I guess this is a quick welcome to my own little world.
Here I am looking from inside the Glass Box...

Waiting for it

2009-10-20T04:17:00.002+11:00

Seems like my dates with the moon have been a frequent occasion these few months.
There's definitely something about the night air when the skies are clear.
It's sweeter, irresistible almost.
Along with sharing my silent thoughts with the moon,
eating cigarettes and sighing seems to be the only way of consoling myself.
Why do I worry so much about my future?
Why do I think so much about my past?
Why?
Why do I reminisce so much about "happier" days.

I've been looking back and the last time I felt this way,
and whats troubling is...
It's almost as if I'm slowly descending into this depressed state of mind the more I try to ignore it.
Almost like a lonely puppy seeking warmth and comfort and having those necessities denied.
I really don't know what I'm waiting for.
All my goals are directed towards just another vacation in Malaysia.
Sure it's the best place to run away to for a few weeks.
It really is!
But is that all I am? A fugitive of my own thoughts, responsibilities and desires?
Running away to a place where nothing can disturb my rest.

I can't seem to figure out what I really want.
At first glance it seems to just be all materialistic desires.
Simple wants, not needs.
Yet, I feel so strongly that there's something missing in my life.
I haven't been able to put my finger on it, because every time I think I've got it.
It just seems to absurd, foolish.

Here I am again, day dreaming about floating away to a magical place.
A place where everything just seems to flow.
I've always religiously believed in having to put the work into planting the seed in order to see a full crop later on.
I've ploughed the field thoroughly, sowed all my seeds.
I've been waiting.
How much more longer do I have to wait before I find whatever it is I'm waiting for.
Whatever it is that's making me feel this way.
So empty, so cold.
So lonely.

Pre-plans?

2009-10-20T04:07:00.002+11:00

What are my plans for the rest of this year...

Pass my exams,
Box Hill Tafe interview on the 4th next month,
William Angliss interview on the 24th next month,
Get a job,
$300 for my courses,
$400 for my tattoos,
$800 for a vacation to Malaysia,
Build my bubbling watery empire bigger than ever....

Thats about it for now.
The tattoos and Malaysia can wait till the end of next year.
The fish....It'll definitely on the way.
I really wonder what new challenges I'll face from now on...

Takashi Amano

2009-10-18T20:15:00.004+11:00

Inked

2009-10-16T21:29:00.002+11:00

Ever since I've gotten my first tattoo.
I've been a lot more calm about remembering certain things about my mom.
Seems as if my memoir of mom really has done it's job and will continue to.
I've been stewing over another tattoo for the left side of my back.
This time, a bigger canvas to work on and colors will be involved.

This next tattoo will also be of an arowana.
But a few different bits and pieces will be added to make it really stand out and deliver it's message.
My next tattoo will be a reminder of who I am, and who I want to be.

The arowana, will be scale-less. The most prized arowana in the world has scales that are hardly visible. Almost non-existant because of it's ghost white color.
So the absense of scales on my arowana will depict my message of quality over quantity. "No matter how many arowans you have, they will never look as good as mine."

With that, It will have vivid reds and yellows on the head and fins signifying the luck that the arowanas bring according to legend.
The fish's head and fins will be tattoed in full flare showing the strength and seriosness of the fish satifying the name of Dragon Fish as folklore labels them.

I was originally going to overlap one side of the aro with the chinese character Lee. Of course it is my last name, and it being my last name seems fit. However I've also been tossing up ideas about having a blue moon with a red aura around it having the fish look as if it's swimming from the mysterious moon. And to add to that "mysteriousness" I was going to have a girl riding the arowana tattooed in an anime style. I thought that the girl, having her face shaded in to hide her true identity as well as her ability to ride a dragon fish from the moon was pretty random, and showed another side of me. The random side.

Other than showing the random side of e, the girl could also represent my future love.
Someone I was born to love and stay with forever and ever.
Almost like a fairytale, and thats where the anime styled character came in.
Since most animes are base around fairytales, romance and such, it seemed only fit to have the girl tattooed in an anime form also adding a more oriental touch to my piece.

This has been a pretty blotched rant about my future tattoo.
I just needed to get it out and infront of me.

Changes

2009-10-10T17:00:00.002+11:00

Seems like changes never take their part slowly in my life.
Partially because I tend to make my decisions on the spot and I stick to them.
Call me hard-headed.

But this week has brought a lot of changes to me.
The biggest change definitely has to be my decision to apply for a course at William Angliss.
I spent months thinking about whether or not to stay at highschool but I never seemed to care as much untill I took it a step further and decided to talk to my careers advisor about how it would benefit me.
And this week, I filled in all my forms and faxed them in to the Institute.
Hopefully they'll invite me to an interview.
And if all goes well and as planned.
I'll leave my highscool life and start my new life in the hospitality Industry as a budding chef.
Where this career path will take me?
I want to work in a small restaurant somewhere in Melbourne's hidden cafe/restaurant district.
Tose little places hidden in between alleyways of huge CBD buildings or a place out near the farmsa nd vineyards.
I want to apply for a working visa when I complete my courses and work in Malaysia for six months or a year at a hotel or resort.
I want to see myself wearing the tall Head chef's hat, being recommended by customers and someone who is living contently with everything I want and need in the future.
William Angliss is definitely a great start.

To float away

2009-10-05T02:18:00.003+11:00

Sitting out here seems almost as if I can almost reach it.
The one place all my dreams keep reminding me about.
I can't figure out why it's so important to me.
Everytime I think I have, it seems that the last reason was nothing but an empty filling just to keep my mind off it for a few days.
No one understands why, like hell they would.
I don't even know why!

I don't know why that hot, humid place would leave me feeling so broken hearted.
The smell of car fumes and sewerage.
The constant buzz of traffic all day and night.
The warm breeze that brings no retreat from the constant heat.
The loud hustle and bustle of my family going about their daily routine.
School kids shouting and conversing as they walk home from the school next door.
It all seems like a dead end while I'm trying to think of why I would love such a god-forsaken place.

I guess that's what brings my heart to it's knees everything I think about it.
It's some-place I've found where I'm never alone.
Yet I have the freedom to find my own place in life and just ponder about other aspects of my life.
Oh how I miss that worn down beach chair and that flat green roof-top.
How I miss the hustle and bustle of my family.
The dogs and the nanny.
The cheap alcohol...ha

But everytime I have a simple moment to myself, just to think about the dreams I have.
Just to take another drag of a cigarette and put my thoughts infront of me like a big blackboard.
I seem to find another peice to the puzzle.
Another fitting word to describe just why I'm tied to that place.
I guess I'm writing it down here so I don't forget that simple peice.
To remind me of why I love it so much, a small peice to savour, to hold.

My dreams take me to that place.
Like a simple walk through a totally different life.
As if I were a completely different person, without sorrow or fear.
Anger, loves, regrets...
Guess it's easier to describe it as a lover.
One that got away, the one that made your life complete just to shatter it to peices leaving you on the floor wondering whether you still want those broken peices back.
I cherish these dreams of mine, however at the same time I hate them.
Leaving me, a pawn on the chessboard having no other purpose but one.
To live untill I've found the one true purpose.
Whatever it may be...

Fuck the qoutes and sayings.
Damn the people who continue to make me look forward.
Can't I just sit and watch everyone else go about?
Couldn't you just let me have what I wanted without having to take it all back?
It feels so distant, unreacheable, impossible.
I loathe the feeling it puts on me, to feel as if that place is so much more better than what I have here.
I have everything I need, everything I want.
Right here, where I can easily access them.
Then you come and make me feel as if theres nothing to live for.
As if you are the only one that makes me life complete.
Fuck you.
You're nothing but a goddamn fucking place!
And yet you give me the feeling of complete serenity whenever I hold a piece of you in my hands as I step foot.

I guess it's just a matter of having to wait.
Like a lonely school child waiting for something to happen.
Here I am waiting for another chance to see you.
Writing about the dreams that glide away silently every night.
My dreams, my wishes.
They make me who I am, you make me who I am.

Waiting for the current to slowly rise, to let me float away once more...

Dreaming

2009-10-03T18:29:00.002+10:00

Are dreams just another excuse to run away?

I've been having dreams about the past.
Malaysia to be exact.
These dreams make me feel so empty when I wake up.
They always do.
I feel so alone, so deprived of the need to reconnect with my past.
Someone told me to live looking forwards, not back.
I find it so hard to live by that,
so hard to find things in my life to look forward too.
Sure theres a couple of things that bring a random smile whenever i think about it.
But, the memories engraved in my head seem so much more....free.

I had everything I ever wanted there.
Yet it seems all too hard to find again.
I'm old enough to know that being naive won't help, yet I still feel stupid thinking about wanting to go back all the time.
What is it with that place?

Could almost be the heaven I look forward to when I die.
I want to go there for a year, maybe on a working visa after I get my certificates.
I really do with there was a card I could pull now .
Something that would get me an instant pass through this part of my life, straiten everything out and hit the ground running again.
Feels like I can't catch up with the group.

Dreams 3/5

2009-09-30T21:37:00.002+10:00

Ritchie and I recieved a radio message from base telling us that we had to get back before transport became scarce as they had to redirect most of the choppers towards sending more troops over to Thailand and Singapore.
Another hour passed before the sound of the RAAF Chinook thundered through the valley in which the cave was nestled in.

This is where I woke up to take a piss and have a smoke before falling back to sleep.
I was really confused the next morning as to how I had a ten minute gap before dreaming again and I was still able to continue my dream..
I assume we decided not to go back home as all of this army training and fighting was just to find out family. So they helped Ritchie and I unload the huge amountf of ammo and outdoor gear.
I guess what happened was we requested ammunition as well as a few essentials such as a light water craft as well as more ciggarettes and flint.
We had everything we needed and more.
Seemed like Ritchie and I were going to turn the uninhabited island into a concealed mine field of mortars, sniper ranges and mounted support weaponds...
I guess we were staying for good...

TBC

Dreams 2

2009-09-30T21:09:00.002+10:00

They brought us back to where we last saw any sign of life.
The abandoned cave.
The whole nine kilometer walk back, Victoria or Ling Ling was complaining about the walk as she always would.
Tracy was running ahead looking for coconut trees with Janice while Junior walked beside me playing with my unloaded glock.
Ritchie and I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't want to be brought out from this place.
We couldn't comprehend why they wouldn't want us to look for them...
We got back to the cave where Ritchie and I set our packs down and made a fire while Uncle Jeff watched carefully almost like a school child. Ritchie and I shared our ration packs around, to our surprised they had food. But not much of it.
Mostly cans of sardines and baked beans.
Grandma told us about the creek flowing into a large shallow pond where a huge amount of perch could be seen.
So I let my inner kid take over and i made a spear out of a thin branch i found and went spear fishing.
Victoria decided to come along with me taking off her shoes telling me the lake was just as sandy and beautiful as the beach.
As we reached the lake, I saw thousands of fish rush towards the other side of the meter deep lake.
I immediately ran ahead of victoria and after ten minutes I caught three foot long perch worthy of a filling dinner.
But as I sat down on the sand to dry the shorts I was wearing, Victoria started talking about how we used to have so much fun as kids trying to catch the fish in grandma's pond.
How we used to watch the fireworks from the balcony of my room...
How we used to have shaving cream, baby powder and lotion fights.
But all through the conversation on the sandy banks and back to the cave I could only think of why they wouldn't want us to find them.
The only thing that I could think of was that they didn't want us anymore.
As if they ran away from us.
And now that weve found them, we were just going to simply take a chopper back to Singapore and join the front line again?
Dinner was great, lots of laughs and smiles almost as if the war never existed.
As everyone went to sleep, the women and girls in the house while the boys in sleeping bags under the huge sandstone ceiling, I decided to go for a walk.
Back to the crystal clear lake where Victoria and I talked about our childhood memories.
The moon was huge, bright enough to light my way down the creek to the warmth of the sandy banks.
Sitting there, smoking one of the millions of cigarettes Uncle Jeffrey brought over.
I thought about how I ended up being in the army, how Ritchie came with me and why we joined. I thought about what we were going to do, what life was going to be like when we went back home...
Rachelle's footsteps weren't heard untill she was only a few meters beside me.
She quietly sat down and shared the same view of the moon as I.
As the crickets grew louder and the trickling of the creek melted into a song, Rachelle ask why we left Malaysia in the first place, why we didn't go back for a holiday after two years ago.
She knew we wanted to. But she also knew we couldn't, because of the war.
"Did you us?" she continued.
"Course we did, thats why Ritchie and I joined the army." So we could make sure you guys were safe." I replied in an almost dissapointed tone.
"Did you miss me?" She asked.
"Rachelle, I..." She interrupted with a giggle and started to walk into the lake.
I followed her into the comforting warm water where the fish were asleep and no one else was there to interrupt the little world we entered as we always did before.
The darkness only lasted a few hours before I found myself back in the camp falling asleep to her breathing beside me...

Dreams 1/2

2009-09-30T20:33:00.002+10:00

The further and harder we looked for sign of life.
THe more and more rewarded we were for looking.
We found what seemed to be a cave where a wealthy person of some sort used to live.
Seemed like a ntural limestone cave with some sort of intricate but huge solar panel system perched in the canopy of the rainforest.
We found empty bird cages, fish tanks, terrariums, ponds, beds, stoves, a hydroponics system a broken water wheel where a creek ran past the side of the cave.
It was as if this was someone's hide out when the war began.
Now abadoned, me and ritchie decided to head on to find our family since this place served us no use unless we were to stay here.

After 9 kilometers we stopped to boil some water we collected from a river before and to rehydrate and rest ourselves before heading out to the beach again.
As we sat down and took our packs off, ritchie realized we we had bene sitting on...
A trail.....
A trail left by at least three people.
Soon as it hit us, Ritchie and I grabbed our packs and hauled them on our shoulders and trecked towards the beach where we found not three, but ten of them.
My god were we relieved to find first their shoes and shirts on the outskirts of the sandy beach, but all of them having a dip in the warm water.
I could see Junior and Tracy diving off the flat sandstone shelves on the far side of the beach while Grandma, Aunt Vanessa and Aunt Lisa walked towards the kids collecting shells. Uncle jeffrey struggled to get a fire going by using what was left of his flint from his lighter. Victoria, Janice and Rachelle all sitting on the soft fine sand letting the luke warm salt water slowly cover their legs in sand after every wave that gently brushed over their legs.
Ritchie and I couldn't believe our eyes!
After the whol day of searching before, why didn't we see them?
We searched the entire island....except for the cave...
Before I could even open my mouth Ritchie had already dropped his pack with the pile of shoes and shirts and ran towards grandma and the women, I followed Ritchie and ran towards the women being greeted in hugs and shouts of joy and the kids saw us from the sandstone shelves and ran towards us too.

They were glad to see us, thats for sure.
But they weren't glad to see us in uniform.
They weren't glad to see us searching for them...

Dreams

2009-09-30T20:12:00.002+10:00

As Ritchie and I reached the LZ and prepared to make the drop.
I ask him whether they were really there.
On a lifeless island merely a dot in the equatorial archipelago covered in thick dense rainforest.
I heard no reply as we both jumps off the helicopter as it made the touch landing.
We spent tnwety seconds securing the immediate perimeter before heading north in search of our "targets".
Our family was supposedly located here via satellite.
It seemed that the whole of south-east asian banded together to try and take down the western world.
Establish the dominance vietnam once failed to acheive.
Ritchie and I had immediately requested permission to recon our family and bring them to Australia after we heard that they were hiding out in a small uninhabited island off the coast of Indonesia.
Here i was, standing next to my brother in SAS uniform serving for the australian defence force?
I guess anything goes in dreams...

The tiny island off Sumatra was no bigger than Manningham itself covered in lush green rainforest.
The rain, sunshine, humidity and smell of the air was an instant reminder of how much I missed Malaysia.
immediately after the fimiliar smell of the tropical climate hit me, i realized this dream was just another brain game.
But hey, it's a dream nevertheless. Might as well go along with it.

Ritchie and I searched the whole of the island untill the sun came down and forced us to make camp on the beach.
With tents up, a fire going and our ration packs sizzling on our trangias.
I couldn't help but break the silence and ask Ritchie whether he thought they really were here after all.
Ritchie said nothing untill we entered our tents and tried to get some sleep.
While the embers of the campfire were still crackling, ritchie let out a sigh and said "They're here, we'll find em before tomorrow is gone."

Everytime I opened my eyes through the restless night's sleep.
It seemed more and more realistic that our family really was lost in my dream.
Lost in a world where my brain has all control, yet posseses no intent on controling what happens.
Morning came and we set back to searching the inner rainforest in search for the TAN family. Mom's side of the family.

Just Imagine

2009-09-17T00:49:00.002+10:00

My dream yesterday night only lasted ten minutes.
It has got to be the best ten minutes I've had for a long long time.
Course when I woke up I was severely dissapointed with my hopes up wayy through the roof.

Ritchie and I were assigned on a recon mission to rescue the whole family whow ere stuck on a remote island that was supposedly (hostile territory).
For some readon my brain already had assumed that the whole world was in turmoil and some country was on a rampage to take over the world.
But this tiny island no bigger than the size of a few suburbs put together was some place no one would even consider taking time and money to take over since no one lived there!
Now imagine dropping from an Australian Seahawk fourty feet above the shore to find nothing but empty glistening beaches and dense forest bordering the beaches.
Silence came about as the helicopter cut it's way through the wind back to base.
Now, since it was flagged as hostile territory. Me and ritchie were definitely SAS.
Which was weird seeming as we looked more like movie actors in camo paint and army gear (the ones that require stunt doubles)
Yes, big guns. Yes cool gadgets.
Now, we searched the whole island to find not one living soul.
Being little sissies, me and ritchie were absolutely crushed.
Now from crossing the seas in the seahawk till now, it was a "silent movie."
I guess my brain just made sense of it all.

The whole interesting bits were seriously as long as movies would last for.
At least an hour...all compacted into ten minutes....ahhh how amazing the human brain is. This dream is going to be at least three parts long =S
I'm writing this in little parts because I'll get bored and if I don't then i'll just forget sooner or later. Right now it's as vivid as a horse kicking you in the balls.

Anyway, it starts off with me and Ritchie searching the whole island to find no one person in sight.
Through dense rainforest, beaches, open grasslands.
There was nothing. And as the equatorial sun came down on us, so did the rain. Seeming as it was a rainforest, we found a limestone cave big enough to fit the 307 bus to Mitcham or the city (Queen Street). Anyway thats beside the point.
We tried to radio in HQ but no one answered, and for SOME OBSCURE REASON, we decided that the world was taken over by whatever country with the huge balls to do it. I'm thinking ethiopia.
because we decided the world was gone, we chucked away our radios!
How convenient!
Because this story is just revolved around our assumption that the world is in flames!
Ritchie and I started to plan different strategies to find out whether our family had crossed over to a different island since it was only a kilometer or two swim away from different islands in the archipelago.
The closest island was only a hundred meters away, but it was only sand and two palm trees.
Anyway, we had our ration dinners and went to sleep.

STOPS HERE! I'm gnna put this into proper writing I just need something to remind me in the following days.

I just broke the space time continuum in the shower.

2009-09-14T03:48:00.003+10:00

As the wet season sets in the drizzles turn into downpours.
The humidity and warmth still holding up to make a perfect day to go swimming.
The pool water warmed by the afternoon sun.
The rain creating thousands of tiny ripples as the quietness under the water brings nothing but silence and retreat.
Sitting on the bottom of the pool, eyes closed listening to the steady flow of the water into the side gutters.
Theres nothing but serenity as thoughts slowly drift into my head.
Of life, of crazy happy memories made in this sunny warm country.

Breaths of air are a must if I were to survive my vacation.
Getting out of the pool to find myself enclosed in warmer blanket of air.
heading up stairs after being greeted by a couple of guards making their routine rounds around the different buildings.
Heading upstairs onto the balcony to find myself yet again smoking with a cold beer in my hand and nothing but bliss in my heart and soul.

And all through that time, thinking about who to share this with.

Indestructeable Memories

2009-09-14T00:06:00.004+10:00

My first tattoo is yet to be completed.
yet I'm planning for my second one in order to get it done along with the completion of my first one since it's compulsory for me to get them done in Malaysia.

This next tattoo of mine will signify my pride and love for my families.
Both maternal and paternal sides.
It will show my love for icthyology and my race as well as my ability to look past the pain to see the beauty of life as well as the balance between the feminine and masculine facets of life.

The different photos above will be a significant contribution to what my tattoo will look like. As for where it will be placed, it will be somewhere on my upper back, shoulder or in the middle. Yet to be decided =]

End

Up for Lease

2009-09-13T23:04:00.002+10:00

Self evaluation.

I'm putting myself up for re-evaluation.
This time, I'm not actually sure what's happening to me.
These past few months have just been an express rocket downhill.
Last month has been the only month of the year where I've actually been at school every day.
Whether or not I'll be passing year eleven is a real wonder.
After an over view and quick evaluation of my current situation.
I've come to a conclusion that I'm fucked.
I have been since the start of the year, but it's been hard to really distinguish what I've been looking at through the microscope.
My academic and professional life is in ruins.
As a result my social life has slowed down, however this "slowing down" of my social life has lead me to some pretty interesting experiences.
On a positive note, I now have new friends and to add on to the positives list I now have a partner.
However, what really troubles me is my academic and professional side of life and my stance in all of it.
I've been recently offered an option of leaving highschool for a more hands on education at the William Angliss Institute.
Which is where I'll end up whether or not I complete highschool.
However, what troubles me is whether or not I should keep fighting the battle to finish highschool...Exams...class...homework...assignments.
It's true, an Enter would really help later on in my life.
But am I willing to withstand another year of pain fighting a battle I know is going to result in low scores anyway?
it's a question I have to answer myself, I'm fully aware of that.
Naturally, I'm afraid of the consequences that will follow if my decision was to fall towards leaving school early.

Do I have the sweet release from the pressures of highschool and prepare for the struggle later on?
Or do I withstand the torture just to end up where I will be anyways.
It sounds oh so sweet to leave school, but the consequences which follow sound oh so bitter sweet. Friends, graduating, formals, exam pressure and parties.
Are they not a quintissential part of one's childhood?
Hospitality will definitely be my profession for the next few years.
Statistics show that a person will change their "career paths" at least six times in their life time.
Without an Enter, I will not find it easy to change my career path.
Do I really want that?
Do I want to risk everything in my future for an easy way out of highschool?

This troubles me.
It plays with my sense of stability and control.
I crave the release, yet I cringe at the imagination of my future.
I've devised one plan to aid in my decision, yet I need more than just one to seal the envelope.
By the end of this year, if my exam scores turn up short, it will be the end of my highschool life and the start of my fast-track to being a chef.
This year definitely is a roller coaster ride I never agreed on.
Rules and guidelines do not exist anymore do they.
I make my own decisions and face my own consequences.
This is life, and this life is mine to lead.
God save me, lead me and guide me.
Let no stray thoughts hinder my search for life.

End.

Looking forward

2009-08-15T17:10:00.002+10:00

I've finally found the turn in the road I've been looking for.
Which is great!
I hit the bend too fast though, lost a bit of traction.
Skidded off a bit but I'm still on the road.
Trying to straighten up my line and pick up some speed.
I just have to keep my head up and eyes set forward now.
Untill I reach the last few hundred meters of this huge bend and I'll on in the clear.

Nas - I can

2009-08-09T00:21:00.000+10:00

If the truth is told, the youth can grow
Then learn to survive until they gain control
Nobody says you have to be gangstas, hoes
Read more learn more, change the globe

Let me be free

2009-08-02T18:14:00.001+10:00

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
Norman Cousins

While life seems precious, worth sacrificing for.
I ask myself, is death any different?
To be released, to be free from any earthly desires as Buddha once said.
To put away those worries, regrets and sorrows.
Stored neatly in rows while living, cast far away in death.
Is there no freedom from what’s been thrown in front of us throughout life?
Some cherish the small sweets derived from the treasures they’ve spent their whole lives looking for.
I ask, why spend years, decades trying to find that one thing that keeps you grounded when the skies wait.
Patiently carrying pillows of clouds, silently staring down at the crazy
destructiveness of life.
There is nothing keeping me grounded, no rope, no concrete shoes, yet I stay where I stand. Wondering why.
Why I fear the emptiness, nothingness of death. Why do I fear having all my regrets and stolen loves cast away.
Why I do I fear not having to abide by rules, laws and punishments.
Is it because I do have a reason to live?
A reason to stay, a use.
I grow tired of having to find my reason for living, my reason in life.
Yet it’s a question I want unanswered.
I do admit I have likes and loves in this world.
However, wherever I am in this world, I am never care free.
I am never let off this leash that’s bound to my neck.
Keeping me away from what’s really aching my heart and soul.
Let me be free.

Endless

2009-07-31T13:28:00.002+10:00

It's expected of us to understand more and more of life's twisted and tangled situations as we get older and experience more.
However, I'm not sure I want to understand what used to seem like just plain gibberish when I was a kid.
The more I learn, the more I experience, the more I understand.
I find myself wondering why, endlessly trying to find a way to resolve.
Maybe that's why I love my vacations.

The longest dream

2009-07-30T14:04:00.003+10:00

Year 11 ENglish

The sounds of eight dogs circling the yard, cars lost in the traffic, school kids savoring the final day of school. The smell of car fumes and cigarette smoke, stagnant water and humidity. Those large sliding doors tinted black, where I had always dropped my bags to absorb the one place in the world where my dreams stirred in with reality. This was the last Summer I’d be spending in the Tan family house before it became the house of another Malaysian family, and I will never forget it.

I toured the house I grew up in wall to wall, room to room, collecting the memories that were made here, after being greeted by the whole family. Undisturbed, as if it was a daily routine for me to roam the house slowly, in silence until I bumped into her, the petite, skinny girl with flowing black hair. I remember her smile tainted with mischief, almost evil. She was a cousin’s best friend, spending her holidays at the house while her parents were travelling the world for their 50th anniversary.
Rachelle was her name and that night, changed my life. I spent dinner telling stories and answering questions, trying to ignore her laugh for the entire hours and a half before moving into the TV room for a movie. That was when the ball started rolling. I remember walking upstairs to be having said goodnight to everyone after the Japanese love story played out on the large TV screen.

I entered the room I had always stayed in, kept the same way it had always been, as if I never left at all. The old recliner on the balcony, the magazines of classic comics tossed on the bed and the lanterns Junior and I made last summer. As I sat on the recliner with a beer on the coffee table and a cigarette in my hand, staring out into the smoggy night sky dotted with tiny glistening stars. She appeared in the doorway of the balcony, sitting on the large, chilled marble tiles looking out into the same night sky as I did. I tried not to take notice until she asked of why I spent so much time sitting on the old black recliner staring out into the night sky. My lack of answers lead her into asking more and more questions, until I told her my name, and asked her why she took so much interest into why I did the same things every summer. I never answered why. Just put out my cigarette finished my beer and crawled into bed with her still sitting on the floor staring at the foot of the bed. I could tell she wasn’t interested in leaving the room so I asked her whether she’d want to read my old comics. The night lead on early into the morning until both of us fell asleep on the same bed, in the same room, under the same covers.

The summer went on and we grew closer, spent more and more time together. Hugs became embraces, embraces became kisses, and before I knew it, there were two old recliners on the balcony. Everyone knew we were fond of each other, yet we never admitted it. The summer of my life went on like a dream, and we both knew my wake-up call was coming very soon. The night before I left was spent talking about past experiences, happy memories, sad memories and figuring out whether fate had a part to play in our meeting. We both silently confessed out feelings, and fell asleep at five in the morning with the first rays of the sun lighting up the grim darkness. As the dinner bell chimed, we both rose to stare at each other before racing downstairs to scoff dinner as always.

The last few hours were spent staring at each other once again, under the covers until she spoke the words “I love you.” My whole world, all the beatings, scratches and cuts it’s received felt whole again because of those three words. All of my regrets, grudges and sorrows were tossed away simply by those three words, the three words that hold me by the throat, screaming at me. Reminding me of how eagerly we wait to each other every summer. How eagerly I wait to find those black sliding doors, ever so welcoming our return.

My trip - prelude

2009-07-24T20:51:00.002+10:00

What can I say, vacations a vacation.
Cept that one was really good.
Too good in fact, so good that I'd do almost anything to go back right now.
So good I'd quit everything just to get enough money to go back one more time.
Ahh well, it's a vacation.
It'll come around again if I work for it.
If I earn it.

I don't think I can write about my trip in one go,
so I'll keep posting pieces about my trip in categories soon.

TJ

A resolution

2009-07-23T13:43:00.002+10:00

I'm back!
And not feeling that flash...
Obviously it was a holiday.
I know that.
But it's back to reality.
And I have to change.
Pick up my grades, pick up my lifestyle.
I stopped working, and I'm not going to party for a while.
Not until my grades get much better.
Have to go to school everyday. ON TIME!
It's time for change Tommy.
And you'll see the goal you want to reach every time you do something to make another step towards that goal.
It all starts now.
Malaysia in another four months.
You know you can do it.

TJ

Broken hearted again =[

2009-07-03T19:42:00.003+10:00

Had a black out at my place for two whole days...
Phones died and everything.
I didn't really mind, Fi did though.
She had a lot to do apparently.
Guess the main reason I'm writing this blog is to finally put a picture infront of me saying that all my fish died.
Yes! It happened!
I always knew it was inevitable.
But it feels bad. really really really bad.
I haven't cleaned my tank up yet, heck I can't even go in there.
I just don't wanna look at it at all.
Two years of work, two years of saving up and searching the internet.
Two years of frustration and two years of spending hours in the garage.
All gone.
Over two nights.
I did as much as I could, i know i did.
But it still feels so unfair.
It's almost bad enough to make me cry!
They're just fish!
It shouldn't be so important to me...
Guess all I have now is Biza and my family and friends.
I shouldn't say that...
They were always there.
My fish weren't.
I'm obviously not gnna give up.
But I don't want to come back home from Malaysia and look at my bare, empty tanks wondering where to start again.
I'm so confused as to why keeping fish is so important to me.
Feels like I had my heart broken.
I dont like the feeling at all...

Happy

2009-06-24T20:26:00.002+10:00

I finally found the perfect photo for my tattoo...
Mom's name, birth and death dates will be under it in cursive.
I'm happy.
Happy that holidays are coming in less than a week.
Happy that I'm almost ready for Malaysia.
Happy because I finally found something close to me that will be with me for the rest of my life. Wherever I am, whoever I'm with...always with me.
I found a photo of mom I could put in my wallet...

I don't know what else to say!

it seemed so much more better when i was writing it

2009-06-18T20:35:00.003+10:00

Oh sweet sweet star,
so small, so faint.
Come out from behind those clouds & shine your light.
Show that smile and make life bright.

Oh sweet sweet star,
guide my way through the dark.
Fulfill dreams, fill lover's hearts.
Bring your friends, light the night sky.

Precious sweet star,
so distant so far.
Fulfill my dreams, my wishes.
Light my path, lead me.
Come happy memories,
Come sweet harmony.

Oh dear sweet star,
Sp small so faint.
Brighten her path, light her way.
Warm her soul,
make her heart sing!
Bring her happy memories, fulfill her dreams.
Guide her. Guide me.
Sweet harmony.

Sweet sweet star...

Innocence

2009-06-07T00:59:00.000+10:00

(To the ones close to me who have strayed off the cobblestone road. Nothing is impossible)

As time goes by, as the years fly past.
We find ourselves being exposed to more and more of the world.
Such a huge wonderful playground harboring many happy memories to be.
However, behind every smile is a sinister dark side.
People live avoiding and ignoring the dark and nasty side of our world.
Poverty, starvation, homicide, suicide, gang wars and the rich and famous we regard almost as gods.
It's understandable that parents try their very hardest to shield their children from many of the brutal circumstances of life. However, many of us find ourselves wandering down a dark and misty road not knowing where we'll wash up.
Soon as we hit adolescence and we try to break free of our parent's watchful eyes as often as possible. We find that one wrong move could lead us to jail sentences, drug addiction and even death.
We soon realize how much we miss the life we had as children, oblivious to the dark side of the world.
I wish, hope and pray that the world will one day become a better place.
Children will find a safe haven where they can grow up and be able to abolish unnecessary deaths and ill fates in the near future.
I wish, pray and hope for peace, love and charity.
And I can only hope for a better place.

What is your deepest fear?

2009-06-05T20:10:00.002+10:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. …Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you… As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Frequent cheesecake breaks

2009-05-10T21:45:00.003+10:00

Friday and Saturday both day and night definitely need to be added to my "highlights of this year" list.
I'm still dead tired, but I felt as if I had to write this.
Before I forget again.
I thought about this yesterday night before I got on Jayde's couch.
Was having a smoke outside and this really random thought popped into my head...

Everyone has different views, wants, likes, needs in life.
In order to be happy, one must find what makes them happy in life.
What needs to be accomplished.
What they want, like, dislike, love.
I don't know why that gave me such a sense of accomplishment and content.
But I can say that it definitely felt great.
I think, I really know what I want out of my life now.
What I really need to make me happy.
I'm not saying it'll be easy to find all of it.
But at least I know what bothering me and why I don't feel like I should sometimes.

TJ

Personal growth

2009-04-30T00:18:00.003+10:00

I can't believe i finished this in an hour.
It was hard to keep everything under 1100 words!
I really should spend more time making this longer and longer...
hehehe

TJ

“In order to experience personal growth, one must first learn to conquer ones fears.”

Fear: Dread, fright, horror, panic, terror. To be afraid of somebody or something.

A person’s character is largely affected by past experiences throughout one’s life. All experiences contribute to building upon a person’s character and state of mind. Some experiences are far more effective in changing a person’s character compared to others however the majority of these “character building” experiences are related to fearful, traumatic or frightening experiences. Such experiences differ in intensity according to how significant the experience is to the particular person subjected to the experiences. Although fear seems to make up the majority of highly significant character changes in people, there are also experiences that trigger different emotions in people that also contribute to personal growth. These experiences include accomplishment, happiness, loss and many more. A very common fear shared amongst people of all ages, races and sexes is the fear of being alone. This common fear involves the fear of losing loved ones, memories and possessions. Another common fear is the fear of death. It is inevitable that everyone will pass on sooner or later. Many believe in Heaven and Hell and fear that they will be sent to Hell in the after-life, people fear having to leave kids behind or fear that after life, there is nothing but emptiness for those who do not believe in Heaven or Hell.

Personal growth is largely affected by past experiences a person has undergone. Hence the saying “Learning from your mistakes” personal growth is essentially learning from past experiences and improving on how to deal with these experiences the “next time round”. There are many experiences people undergo throughout their lives. Many of these experiences are insignificant and mean almost nothing after a short period of time. However there are a handful of experiences that directly affect a person’s character and way of life, the way they perceive and react to certain situations in life after these certain character building experiences. Unfortunately, a majority of these experiences are traumatic or fearful.

One “character building” experience everyone has to undergo is death. Death is inevitable; however dealing with the death of a loved one is always hard and depressing. After a traumatic experience such as having lost a loved one, grief almost inevitably finds its way into any person. However even in such dark and depressing situations, personal growth is always involved. People find themselves “stronger” and much more capable of dealing with the death of another loved one after a period of time. Although personal growth is, in an enlarged view, the ability to learn from past experiences and to grow and move forward with a better understanding of life and particular experiences people have experienced and grown from. Personal growth can affect people in many different ways. Some people learn from the death of a loved one, and continue to live life with a better understanding of life and death. People become “tougher” and tend to accept that everyone has their time to go. However in many cases, this does not mean that they will be any less emotional losing another loved one. Isaac Asimov says “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.” This shows that, in times where one’s own death is imminent. People have two main choices to choose from. One is to brood and worry about not being able to spend enough time with loved ones and not being able to fully enjoy life and its pleasures. The second choice is to enjoy what is left of life. As Florynce Kennedy says “I think we should look forward to death more than we do. Of course everybody hates to go to bed or miss anything but dying is really the only chance we'll get to rest.”

Another main experience almost everyone has to undergo is to lose a lover. It is human nature to find a mate and to pursue happiness together. Love is an intense and extremely strong bond usually between two people, in this case, a male and a female. People tend to react to the loss of lover due to separation similarly to losing a loved one to death. The feeling of loss and being alone usually overcomes either one or both parties commonly leaving them in tears and feeling very depressed. However, after a long period of time, people tend to “get back up on their feet” and to “move on”, usually finding their way into another loving relationship with another person. The people who experience separation with their lovers usually find themselves stronger and “wiser” after overcoming the feelings of loss and loneliness. However, there are also negative points in this case of personal growth. There are people who find themselves less trusting or less capable of pursuing a loving relationship. It is only natural to reminisce about a past lover; however this hinders the ability for a person to find a new love. People find it harder to commit to a relationship and it usually requires years before being “ready” to find another suitable lover and to commit to a long term relationship. This traumatic experience also includes marriage and the separation of husbands and wives. Benjamin Franklin says “Energy and persistence conquer all things.” This shows that with persistence and energy, people can overcome even the toughest of times and find “light at the end of the tunnel.”

Although both experiences stated above are traumatic and usually depressing towards many people. There are also experiences in life that the majority of people undergo that are not necessarily traumatic at all. A very common example of this is the experience of unity and love shared between people. This includes friends, family and lovers. Franklin P. Jones says “Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” This clearly states that to find love within friends, family and lovers is definitely an important part of life, and one that usually “makes” a person just as Ivan Minic says “To Love is to Live.” People experience both new found love and on-going love throughout their lives at least once. To the majority of people, finding “love” has been the most rewarding experience that has brought them the most happiness. Being in love, or finding new love, has its own personal growth traits. People usually find themselves much happier and content with their lives, knowing that there are people that love and cherish them.

Although there are many different experiences in life that contribute to personal growth, it is definitely agreeable that traumatic experiences provide the most “eye-opening” experiences during a person’s life. I quote the movie Lion King, “The circle of life” and also Isaac Newton “What goes up, must come down.” This shows that in life, there are happy and positive character building experiences; however with happiness comes sadness as a companion. With love, there is loss of love and with life, comes death.

“What we learned here is love tastes bitter when it’s gone.” Rob Thomas.

Firewood and no flint.

2009-04-20T00:03:00.003+10:00

Schools starts in eight hours.
Get to take baby Ibiza on a walk on her new harness in fourteen and half hours.
Malaysia is in 84 days.

I've realized something after I started doing my homework this week.
I'm not exactly the most driven person when it comes to completing set homework tasks and assignments.
Since year nine I've been a bottom of the class dweller.
Definitely doesn't have a plus to that in any way.
I know this year and the next will be probably the most important years of my student life.
And I've definitely started this year off really slack.
I've realized that I can't blame anyone else but me.
Homework has to be done, assignments to complete and hand in.
It's no one else' responsibility but mine to make sure they're done and handed in.
Although I've always known in the back of my mind that life is mine for the taking.
And that all the decisions in my life all come back to me in the end.
I've been avoiding all the little points in life that add up to be one big chunk of whats to be of me in the future.
Makes me a hypocrite for saying to most of my friends that the little things in life require just as much attention as the bigger things in life.
I've also realized that it answers a lot of my questions.
And puts up more for pondering about during the night.

I've been so blind and ignorant that I've missed all the little things sitting in the corner of my mind.
That I've missed out of so much in life, I've lost so many opportunities and so many once in a lifetime opportunities.
I can't get the one thing I want most in my life right now probably because I'm ignoring all the tiny bits of info.
I've forgotten all about planning for my camping trip with Luke because I'm too consumed with planning all the stupid probably useless things for my trip to Malaysia with Fi.
I've forgotten about who my friends have crushes on and what secrets they have shared with me that they've lost trust and reliance on me.
I would write more but I know what I have to do in life.
Although I have admit this, and it might sound like some silly little excuse.

Some of the little things in life I try to find.
They aren't exactly the easiest things to find.
Let alone acknowledge.
I hope I know what I'm doing.

TJ

RE "Love is Hard"

2009-04-18T22:58:00.002+10:00

It's true that nothing lasts forever.
Bread will go moldy,
flowers wilt,
puppies grow older.
It's a sad realization that nothing lasts as long as we want them to.
I remember going through a "phase" where all I could think about was what I have and love most being lost before the night is out.
How everything could be gone in a flash.
How everyone could leave and never come back.
I wrote something about it too:

Love- one word that drives us all to the corners of the world...

To find that one person, meant for them...

To spend their years staring in those same eyes...

To hold the hand that will never loose its power to mend all pains...

To hear that same voice that calms you through all thicks and thins...

Too bad there's no corners to the world...

And those eyes will keep changing...

That hand will come and go...

That voice will bring on new complications...

And love will hurt us all...

But, soon as I found a tiny alleyway to get me out of that dark cloud of confusion and stressin out.
I came up with things I could live by and think about whenever I feel down...
Although our friends will come and go.
Mom's homemade cookies will go cold and stale.
Love is lost and found.
Whats the use of worrying about the day our friends drift away or when there's no milk left in the fridge for cookies.
Although the time will come when everything has to go.
Theres no need to sit around wondering when and what to do.
Everything has to go sooner or later.
As much as we want them to go later.
We can't always determine when or how.
So, we do what we can to brush away those worries and live with what we have.
Sure they'll come back once in a while, and we'll shed a few tears and have a few minutes of worry.
But we all have to pick ourselves back up and dust off the dirt.
We have to live for the moment!
We have to love out loved ones as much as we can! While we can!
We have to cherish out friends and make the most of our time together!
School will be over soon, so CHERISH THAT TOO!
Because in the end, all we'll have are memories of what was.
Wouldn't you rather those memories be of happy and fulfilling times?
Would you not want to reminisce and smile instead of cry?
It's our own choice what mentality to adopt.
Enjoy those milk and cookies before they're gone,
Love your friends before you drift apart,
Cherish your family.
Our days are numbered.
Since day one.

Gosh I wish I was the FREE HUGS man.

TJ

Over and over again

2009-04-13T02:38:00.002+10:00

Think it's time I shared this dream with people.
I wanna know if anyone thinks this is just a damn weird dream.

Takes me more than an hour an a half to finally drift off to the land of nod every night.
Stupid, annoying...I know.
But once I fall asleep.
Feels as if I'm still awake.
But not i bed...
I take the usual late night walk.
Rugged up beanie and everything.
Really cold winter night I'm guessing.
I walk down my street and sit down on the roundabout staring at the stars.
But just as I start to concentrate on one star then the other.
Eddie pops up out of nowhere.
Then luke, jitrin, letti, ritchie, fi....
In about thirty seconds every single one of my friends are on the corner of Dunoon and Church.
Walking towards me as if we were supposed to meet up.
But no ones smiling...or laughing.
Then they start running towards me, stupid and confused as I am.
I stand there wondering whats going on!

Yes, they beat the shit out of me.
Yes, I die.
Then it flashes to a gloomy drizzling day.
I'm watching my own casket lowered down six feet into the earth.
No-one in sight....

Now, I don't know what the hell this dream is supposed to mean.
But, I don't enjoy being beaten to death by my friends and family.
Heck! Even kana was there!
Let alone spending my own funeral alone.
Every new friend I meet, shows up as another member of the angry "kill Tommy" mob.
And the most recent addition.
Danica, yeah...I know, freaky.

I sweating and gritting my teeth.
Maybe I'm gnna die soon.
Maybe I'm a total let down to my friends and family.
Sure opens up some possibilities....
Not very happy ones though.

Non-testicle

2009-04-13T01:45:00.003+10:00

91 days to go.
Seemed like only yesterday I talked to Fi about booking tickets.
Seems like only yesterday since the last time I went back.
We all know it's not the best place to spend more than a vacation in.
However, everyone's got their own special place to retreat to.
Mine just happens to be 37,000 miles away.
Over seas, mountains and clouds.

I wish I could share it with everyone.
The way it feels being up there.
Up those twenty one flights of stairs.
Through the steel reinforced doors and out onto the rough green concrete.

Almost feels as if my puzzle piece finally found somewhere it fits perfectly.
A snuggly spot saved just for me where everything in this brain of mine flows out like water.
Swaying and swishing silently around my head.
Free to wander, free to roam.
Although it might mean nothing to most.
It always takes my breath away soon as I take a step on that roof.
The daily hustle and bustle just flies away as if someone cracked a whip to shoo them away.
There's no-one to stare at me, bother me, judge me.
I can't say this year has been that bad.
Really opened my eyes to some things completely new.
Some wonderfully beautiful, some destructively troubling.
Where else to go but forward right?

I can't really point my finger on all the feelings that I do and don't feel when I'm up on that roof top.
What I can say though, is that all these thoughts.
These middle of the night pondering and worrying.
All gone.
Out of sight.
But I know, deep down inside.
Those thoughts, dreams and wishes.
They all belong to me.
But to feel free for just an hour.
Bliss.

I always find myself wondering what there is to look forward to back here whenever I spend my last few hours up there.
I remember looking forward to Kana couple years back.
That helped, till I came back and everything seemed to have fallen to pieces.
Almost like a garden left unattended for years on end.
But now that I've been free to roam without those happy yet saddening memories.
I feel a bit lost, like I don't fit in anywhere.
Naked almost.

You know what I've felt like these couple of weeks?
A tiny little guy in grade seven trying to figure out the best way to ask a girl out.
Remember those days?
When you used to ask your closest friends how they think it should be done?
Ohhh man I miss those days.
Then again, Kana was a freak accident.
Something I never experienced before.
That opened my eyes big time back then...
But this, feels almost natural.
Like no matter what happens in the end.
It feels so...right

Guess what I really want to say to myself is.
Although you haven't reached anywhere near what I planned to achieve this year,
There are still some things I could accomplish.
For myself.
My deadline?
I'm sick of setting deadlines.

Why do I always have to live by deadlines.
Why can't I just run without having to get home when the dinner bell rings.
I realized, Avatar makes me feel really depressed sometimes.
Heck, all my friends make me depressed sometimes.
See, I don't know if this seems funny to you, but it sure is to me!

I know there's a point where you find out there's something so wonderful, so sweet and innocent out there that once you loose it.
You can't stop thinking about when the next time you get to experience it again.
I think desperation is creeping up to me.
But, I've held it off for twelve months.
I can wait at least another twelve more months for someone again.
Ahhh well.
Life's a bitch. But the bitch is mine!

Morning Pondering - TJ ft JITRIN

2009-04-10T01:31:00.004+10:00

Topic: Pink Panther 2

JS & TJ: Although much has been said about how bad this movie is. We weren't surprised that we got constant laughs out of it. Definitely a humorous movie worth watching. Excuse A certain someone's slag about it. (Ehem..)

Topic: Long "lost" walks.

Js & TJ: Some of us know that me and jitrin take massive walks somewhere tlking about the most random thoughts that flow out from our ears. Although, we've walked a good eight or nine kilometers before. We've never bene able to get lost. What is wrong with this world! Can we not get lost anymore? (TJ: TO BE HONEST, I reckon we can get lost easily. Were just walking in an area that we know too well. Plus, were just too smart.)

Topic: Fish

TJ: I love fish.(full stop)

Topic: Break-ups

JS: It was a five to six months relationship, she ended it, not the biggest lost ever. At first not the easiest of things to get over, but i suppose time heals all. Safe to say, i'm passed that and searching for that someone.(Losing something is easy, trying to find something can sometimes be difficult.)

TJ: Worst break-up I've ever had? Eight month relationship. Not very long considering a lot of my friends are well into year long relationships and doing well. (Well done kit and chris)
Definitely a huge loss, and I'm not the best when it comes to dealing with loss. But as Jit said, time heals all. Although, there will be scars. Scars that remind you of what not to do. Although I still haven't figured out what I did wrong. Can't really say I'm "searching" for someone. More, setting out the picnic rug and waiting for someone to fall out from the apple tree above.

Topic: Yes? or No. (What we think goes through the thought processing program of a female subject)

Conjoined: Taking this as a situation wofting around teens. Trust is a huge obstacle when it comes to wanting to ask a girl out. No matter how comfortable you are with them, putting your arm around a girl you like doesn't neccesarily produce the desired outcome. Whatveer outcome that may be. We think that girls need to feel secure with their surroundings, girls have the ability to "commute" and share problems. This is where the problems usually start for us guys. We don't have the communal hearings where we put a girl under the microscope and thoroughly examine the pros and cons. Sure this sounds a bit corny and harsh, but seriously, we've been drinking. Girls tend to look past the present and look toward the future. What it might turn out to be. Guys, tend to day dream about all the possbilities. Now, depending on how much of a snob that guy is, will affect the differences in what the day dreams are. Ehem..
Guys like us tend to picture the "perfect" scene. Hands held tightly together, all the ugly sides to the world surrounding us dissipating into the air. You get the picture. Then theres how you present yourself, this really depends on the girl herself. But please, don't be like me. Don't pierce every part of your body. Nice and presentable, stay away from wearing high collared shirts (fucktards), I also found out that lowriding doesn't work either, unless you wanna scare someone. Butt crack isn't the most beautiful of scenery. Then, wait, this is the massive one that no one can figure out.

Theres this invisible "thing" that girls tend to focus on after you part with them and she goes off to do her own thinking. Guys blame it on pheromones and how much testosterone you have. Where as me and jit, theres like this stupid aura they look for. Confidence? Success?
I do not knowing of the that one. I guess thats what makes everything interesting. Although majority of us are left sitting on our behinds wondering what happened during the dust storm. Guys live in the moment, most girls need to learn how to. =]

Topic: First kisses.

I feel like were writing out horoscopes... (TJ)
To jit, a first kiss always has to be passionate. He means the whole shabang. The embrace that you don't want to break, and theres gotta be the kiss that seems to mash your faces together and the she perfect lighting. Sun set type thing. Oh yeah, and he says it's gotta be a walk on the beach and the whole thing is supposed to be this lasting memory for the girl to reminisce on forever. There's gotta be bells ringing, fireworks exploding, kids playing in the park and that stereotype hollywood OHHHHHHH heaven sound thing in the background. I think he wants an from the audience. (Sounds like a wedding to me man). But seriously, a first kiss just has to be in the moment, it can be any time any place, a moment of extreme togetherness-ness-ness. (Jit, seriously, I wouldn't make out in my closet...hahahaha seven seconds in heaven). (Sure, you wouldn't TJ)

Well, that was interesting enough for me. I completely dissagree. It sooooo depends on the mood and what kind of personality she has. Obviously were talking about someone you've been dying to kiss. (hah, kiss, what a touchy word. keeeses) Kisses are like a bonus to me. It's same as a hug, but a tad bit more intimate in certain cases. I think a first kiss, should be short and quick. Heck just peck her! That long crushing embrace jit...yeah that's so wierd. You shouldn't crush her. She'll feel as if you're trying to cop a feel. A first kiss is supposed to send her home thinking about whats gnna happen next. (Note to self, do not kiss a fish)
Final word, short and sweet. Keep it nice and simple, leave her wondering what just happened!
Leaves you with a smile on your face, and hopefully leaves her wondering what to do with you, me, boys, us as a whole male audience.... What?

Topic: The perfect girl

JS: What is the perfect girl? You tell me! (TJ: uh..what?) I mean seriously, i have no clue, i guess i'll know her when i see her? Maybe they'll be that moment where she walks through the crowd there is a glow around her and her hair is blowing in the wind as she walks past then she turns and looks at you, then at that moment, you jizz in your pants. To be totally honest with myself, i TJ and i both believe that there is no one perfect girls, think about it, there is 6 odd billion people on our planet, chances of running into someone that makes you happy is likely. It's just a matter of fiding them, then and again, where do you know where to look? Maybe it's fate? Luck? Destiny? Seriously, i don't really believe in that, if you want something to happen, you gotta make it happen.(I've learned from past experiences). What is think MY perfect girls should be is, someone who i will be happy with, doesn't have to be the prettiest girl around, if she puts a smile on my face, i'm contempt. But me being a guy, is always looking for more, which one of the biggest flaws i have. I've learned that we have to change our views on people, because it's easily influenced by media and stereotypes. THis i believe lowers you chance of finding the ONE, because it fixes an image in your head. That image may cloud what is right infront of you. I often wonder if i'm demanding too much? Where is the boundary between wishful thinking and just plain making the most outrageous fantasies? (Yano?) Which makes me think if there are any other guys who share this view with me. Alright, so, for me, the perfect girl? Has to make me happy! =)

TJ: FISH! Being honest here, I really don't think theres just one perfect girl. We change, our likes and dislikes change. Our perception of people change. Kana isn't so perfect to me anymore. That proves me right! The perfect girl, is just another stereotype. The hot, lean chick with an awesome sense of humour that can completely blow you away everytime she makes an entrance. Nah, stuff that. The girl for me, well. Its kinda hard to say.
She has to obviously be visually appealing to a certain extent, I know that sounds so harsh.
I love someone who can make me laugh and share the same kind of humour as me. My life is all about laughs. She has to be abel to put up with my friends like Jit and luke. Someone down to earth. Thats pretty much a must. I want FISH someone who has the time to just sit down and talk about anything and everything. Someone who doesn't mind putting up with my spontaneous moments. She has to know who she is. (I know it's stupid). She has to know that shes gorgeus and that shes perfect the way she is. Make-up is a a turn off point for me, obviously there are exceptions. She has to have something she loves doing. Just like me and my love for aquariums and animals. I really don't care if she was totally different to me, but the main thing is.
She has to understand me, and be able to open up and let me understand her. I love exploring every nook and cranny about someone I'm willing to spend a chunk of my life with. I tend to be someone who focuses on the smaller things in life. What really gets me is, I know I've been looking/waiting for more than a year now. But I have this feeling that whoever she is, that girl that'll drive all the bad dreams away. She's right under my nose. And no matter how hard I look, she seems to blend into the woodwork. Guess thats why I gotta look harder eh? FISH FISH FISH FISH FISH FISH FISH FISH FISH. Just had to let it out. Hah!
To be really honest, I think we all set-up what we want in someone. But when you randomly find that person and have an oppotunity, all barriers are broken that you've set-up for yourself. As for fate jit...well. I don't know, I used to be a huge critic but certain circumstances have changes and I'm slowly getting freaked out some of the stuff thats happened...alright. enough for this topic. TOo damn big! BEEEG!

Topic: Ways we prefer to ask a girl out

TJ: I tend to work with what I have, if she's a shy girl. THen I obviously take that into consideration. I'm a person who really worries about everything that could go wrong when I'm really into someone. Kinda deters me. To properly ask a girl out, it has to be in person. There has to be a certain level of intimacy involved which sometimes makes her freak out. But, it's something that means a lot to most guys.I think, the perfect way to do it. It to find somewhere just to duck away from friends of yours and hers for two seconds. Hold her hands and tell her exactly what you're thinking. Tell her how you felt all the way from meeting her to now, how shes made you feel. I've never done this properly, EVER! I tend to plan weeks and weeks ahead and obviously it never comes to plan. As I said, for example. You hold her hands just maybe around the corner from your friends. try not to stare too deeply into her eyes. You're trying to keep it as comfortable for her as possible. (I understand, you're pissin your pants boy. It's the norm) Tell her that she gives you butterflies everytime you see her jokin around with her friends. Tell her how you saw her on the other side of the room talking to another guy last weekend and you felt lost. Tell her how she makes your heart pound whenever she grabs your arm to show you something. But boy you gotta understand that even though everything you planned weeks before seems perfect. Theres always the big NO that looms around behind you. Just take it in the gut and keep on being friends. Unless of course you just suck at choosing a girl. I think turning gay is a possiblity for me. WOAH! someone tell me thats a loss to the female community.

JS: I agree with you there TJ, i often find myself thinking everything through, trying to plan it perfectly. THen re thinking it to make sure it's perfect. But let's face it, most plans don't go perfect. Each person is different, the way they react is different, each personality is different. So therefore the way you approach would have to be different. Before even asking a girl out, best thing to do is probably get her to feel comfortable around you, especially is she's shy. That can make a difference. Then and again it might not. (There we go guys, the randomness-ness of life). One thing i've learned is that, don't go asking a girls out half hearted, only makes it alot harder,meaning the right words don't come out, and there goes all your planning.

TJ: Girls, you gotta take into consideration the amount of useless worrying guys go through the nights before you meet up at the mall or at the park. Or EVEN JUST AT SCHOOL! If you are going to put him down. Put him down gently. Don't gun him down like a man running out of a trench. It's a simple, "thats so sweet, but I'm not sure if I feel the same way." give the poor bugger a hug and walk him back to the group. At least lead the way. Don't leave him there with a bleeding wound on his left nipple.) Jit, nipple or nose? (to be honest.... both?!)

The Closer

TJ: Jit, I think this was a pretty damn random blog.
JS: Well, Tommy, now everyone knows what we think about at night.
TJ: Were so gossipy. wait, this isn't gossip....Were so rambly.
JS: True that, reckon half the stuff we wrote about goes round in circles.
TJ: Circley thoughts. Nice.. I'm pretty glad we did this though. I feel so content doing this but I don't even know what it accomplishes. hahhhahaha
JS: Ahhh, the simple pleasures of life, no point, not meaning, just the feeling of goodness.
TJ: wheat germ goodness?
JS: Philosophical goodness?!
TJ: tall jan is malicious.
JS: Allbran is delicious
TJ: I want a set of green yellow and red lights in my room.....STOP!!!!....GO!!!!
JS: All you're missing then my friend, is shag carpetting and a disco ball.
TJ: you forgot the gumball machine dude. Can't forget the gummy goodness or disgusting gumballs. Actually, thats a great way to save money. You have to buy it, then you open it up later on and theres hundreds in there. ehehehe
JS: Uh huh, i never looked at it that way, it definitely would be a great way to save money.... But...i think you'll use more than hundreds getting those teeth of yours fixed!
TJ: okay mommy.... okay now i really have no idea where this is going. I feel like another movie, dvd time?
JS: Like i said before, no poo poo, and a dvd would be awesome!
TJ: funny, no ones gnna get past the pink panther part. They'll be like urgh...pink panther....can't be stuffed.
JS: you'll be surprised..... Or will you?
TJ: wha?....okay I think were sufficiently tired enough to fall asleep to a dvd.
TJ + JS: GOODBYE WORLD! =D

Swim away.

2009-03-30T23:00:00.007+11:00

My step mom found out she had breast cancer today.
Explains why dad went to Taiwan.

Don't really know what to feel at the moment.
Don't really want to feel anything.
At least the holidays are here.
I can shut myself in the bathroom and just stare out the window for hours on end...

Imagination.
One of the most wonderful aspects of being a human.
Not the imagination where children become dinosaurs or animals.
Although crawling around pretending to have claws and sharp teeth were the best of times.
I'm talking about the imagination where you leave this god-forbidden place.
Leave all of it behind.
I always just sit propped up against the bathroom wall just staring outside the window.
Could say I feel as if I just melt.
Melt into the floor and float away into the ocean.
I feel as if I'm weightless.
Invincible.
Float away into a place where I feel just at home where I am.
Where my heart is settled, my soul is at peace with it's surroundings.
Where water just fills the gaps and light shines in the darkest of places.
All my questions answered and all my fears scared away.
No-one around me, just me, myself and I.
No thinking, no reminiscing, no reminders and deadlines.
No likes or dislikes.
No need to lean on something when I feel dizzy.
Guess I just want to swim away from my life for a while.
Just a while.

I'm in a deafening room with a hundred billion people all shouting to one another.
I need to find a room of my own.
File all these stupid thoughts away and re-join the rest.

Guess I just take these new set of challenges in the gut and just keep on walking.

"Life is just an hour-glass glued to the table"

Like a love letter but not.

2009-03-24T21:16:00.003+11:00

Had a close friend ask me if everything was alright.
The only thing goin through my head was to lie or not.
Is it a sin to lie to a friend?
Is it a sin to lie all together?

I didn't know why I lied.
Didn't know why I just didn't tell him why and break down in the tears that have been waiting to be let out since sixth grade.
I don't see why I hold this all in.
Don't see why I let it get to me, erode my body, my soul.
"My life is your life" were the words that finally stuck us together.
For life is our promise.
For life it will be.
I never wanted to lie to you.
Never wanted to have to get the eye from you.
I know that you can see it in my eyes.
I know you can hear it in my voice.
But I can't, I just can't think about it at this moment.
I need the walks again.
I need to be able to run away again.
To paradise, to where ever makes me feel nice.
I can't stand the guilt of lieying to you.
Can't hold it from you much more.
You're like a lover, with stronger bonds.
Stronger promises and stronger histories together.
I promise I'll tell you in time.
When these dark days pass.
When I can welcome the lights behind these dark clouds.
Although times are tough, times are rough.
I can promise, that nothing will keep us from being together.
Brothers forever.

Luke, I know you can't read this.
Thats why I wrote this here.
I didn't mean to lie to you like that.
We've been best friends for so long and I can't stand having to lie to you about why I haven't been going to school for so long.
But I promise I'll tell you in time.
When these dark times are over.
I promise I'll open up to you like we used to.
Share everything and make sure you know whats going on.
I totally regret mechanically churning out those words to your face.
I didn't mean it to be like that.
I know you could tell in my eyes.
That I was avoiding having to answer truthfully.
We've been brothers for so long.
I know that we share our problems and get through it together.
But, I think this one is for myself.
I have to climb this mountain myself.
But once it's over, I'll explain why I did it.
Brothers forever bro.

TJ

Pessimism

2009-03-21T23:47:00.004+11:00

Never in my life have I been thrust into a group of people.
Let alone a group of Christians.
But I totally underestimated everyone, I admit that.
These people that I've met since only a couple of months ago are amazing.
From people I meet for the first time to people Ive seen on several occasions.
It's amazing how nice these people are, how close they are to each other.
Kinda reminds me of how my mom used to be.

I can't say that I'm the most interesting of people.
I'm someone who has derailed and crashed through a life that used to be all green and beautiful.
Here I am, turning seventeen.
Smoking, drinking, doing nothing with my life.
TO be able to see myself from another pair of eyes would be a miracle.
Something of my dreams.
I want to be able to see what kind of effect I have on people.
I want to be a part of this world.

Just last year I thought I became someone I've always wanted to be.
Lots of friends, parties and the like..
But now that I take a good look at myself.
I see that there's something missing.
Something that's stopping myself from having the feeling of being satisfied with life at the end of the day.
I have a stable job with awesome people, I've met new people from a totally different side of life.
And yet there's this feeling of not being accomplished.
Not having anything to be proud of.
I'm a skinny average height asian guy that has a love for fish.
That's it?
That's all I am?
Why can't I be one of those people who inspire me every time I see them.
One of those people who leave you envious right after you leave.
Now I'm just being a narcissist.

Memories 2

2009-03-19T04:10:00.002+11:00

1-A Taman Scotland...
I remember just breaking up with Kana and paying my way through to another trip back to Malaysia.
Just so I could take some of the nightmares away.
That it did.
Soon as I got off the taxi to stand in font of the steel automated door.
Instant feeling of being home just wraps around your whole body.
Like a warm blanket on a long cold day.
I remember having a swarm of people hugging me and asking millions of questions.
I felt almost like an alien.
Walking into the same old house, but being a completely different person.
Seven years older, seven years different...

The same guest room I've always stayed in on every visit.
Still there, untouched.
The sheets, exactly the same from seven years ago.
Sure there was a tiny bit of dust, but Min kept it exactly the same way.
I was surprised none of the little ones even went in there...
My cds still on the floor,
my novels still on the small bookshelf behind the bed.
Even the pictures of everyone were still wedged into the edges of the mirror.
How I've missed this place so much...

It all happened as if it were only a dream.
I had to hear something loud, wake myself up from this beautiful place.
I wanted it all to last forever.
The sound of bustling cars outside the fortified walls of the huge house.
The sound of the dogs barking at passers by.
The sound of the kids running around downstairs, and Victoria's radio playing new age chinese songs by who knows what their name is.
I remember standing there with my bags still on my shoulders and my cap still in my hands.
Just soaking it all in.
Tracy coming up behind me and giving me a warm hug.
I'll never forget what she said to me.
She said "It's been so long since this room has even been touched. Min didn't want to touch anything inside it...I used to stand just outside the door remembering how we used to make tents out of the blankets and read books with you and Victoria under the sheets. We've missed you, I'm so glad you're back..."
She made my heart break just in those few seconds.
As Tracy sat on the bed picking up comics I left lying around the bed.
I put my bags down and went around running my fingers along everything that used to be my way of life.
I guess I was trying to re-connect with the past.
I can't say I like change that much.
I love the way things were, and I wished things never changed.

That night, I opened the door to the balcony and realized what I've been missing so much.
The same balcony I used to always try and climb down from.
The balcony I completely took for granted.
The couches were still there, even my old story books were there. Jack and the Beanstalk...
It's so crazy how in seven years you completely forget everything, and just as you see everything from the years before, you start to realize just how much you've longed for it all to come back again.
I sat on the wooden rocking chair grandpa bought me when I was four, and I couldn't really say it was the right size anymore, but god the memories it brought back of grandpa were so happy.
The days before he left us all...
Swimming, playing with the dogs...long cars rides...

Now that they've moved to a condominium, no matter how conveinient it is.
I still long for that warm blanket of old memories to come back.
I remember re-exploring every single crack of the house, room by room.
Trying to savour the memories it brought back in each room.
The kitchen, with it's large glass front cupboards...
Grandma's room, with its smell of perfume and hair spray.
Victoria and Junior's room, pink curtains and lots of toys.
Tracy's room, cd's and dresses everywhere...
The computer room, with Uncle Jeffrey sitting on the same chair smoking those same cigarettes.
The piano room, with it's fridges and broken organ...guitars and a heap of old school books.
Seems like none of the kids wanted the past to leave...
The tiny room beside the kitchen where Uncle Jason used to keep his fish...maybe that's where I got my hobby from...
The bathroom, it's rough ceramic bathtub where I used to have bubble baths with Tracy and Victoria.
All these rooms inside this gigantic house pouring soul back into my body.
Giving me a reason to live for.

I'm so glad I'm going to see all my cousins again this year.
Driving past that old house isn't going to be pleasant.
But I guess life takes you places sometimes where you don't want to go.

I'll buy that house back...
I'll restore it back to exactly how it used to be...
I already know that everyone wants to live there again.
The loves,the losses,the memories....

Memories

2009-03-19T04:06:00.003+11:00

Today has been a real mix of feelings.
It only seemed like yesterday when everything was going "according to plan."
I can't say much has gone wrong.
But the reminiscing has come back.
And the feelings are as strong as ever.
Was talking to Tracy couple minutes before,
the amount of things that change in one year is remarkeable.
My little cousin can talk now, other cousins have changes.
Heck their whole household has had at least some kind of change.
Makes me wonder, how long these memories will last for.
The memories I want to kepe forever.
The ones I look back at when times aren't so happy.
I wish I could go back to those times.
Even just to take in a lung full of what 1-A Taman Scotland used to smell like.
Before grandman sold it.
God I love that house.
Full of childhood memories....
TO be continued.

I knew it, I knew he was nothing but a rat. nothing but a dirty snivelling sewer rat.

2009-03-18T20:18:00.002+11:00

All he is, is a leech.
Sucking the life out of everyone.
Reaping the rewards of everyone else's hard work.
He claims to have put "everything" into building up a business.
His last attempt to build a business.
Honestly, I think it's stupid.
Idiotic, hypocritical.
Just plain fucking stupid.
Sure, you say were out of money, you've been saying that for the past eight years.
But hey! instead of finding a stable job to put food on the table.
You apply for several loans of unimaginable amounts of money and decide to open up a business all by yourself?
Sure, you were a pretty good salesman back in the day.
But that was then, this is now.
It's bee over twenty years since you even touched the business side of life.
You've lost it, times have changed.
You have three kids, you have a house, you have responsibilities fucker.
Sure, Ritchie turned 22, sure Fi turned 20, sure I almost seventeen and i'm already workin my ass off.
I'm sick of you.
Sick of your face, sick of your dirty smirk, I just don't want to see your face, I don't want you anywhere near me.
Were paying for almost everything, so why the fuck are you here.
Can't you just take your bank loans and ridiculous credit card debts somewhere else?
Why do WE have to be the ones you run to when your card runs up thousands.
You come to me saying you've got a bill of 800 on your credit card,
and half of it was from paying my hospitality course for highschool.
Fine, I understand that.
I've already promised I'd pay it back, heck i've already started paying it back.
Almost three quarters of it to be exact.
You want how much from me and my sister and brother?
1700 is the final number.
and its due when? next week?
Fuck off. No really, just get the fuck out of here.
Don't call me your son.
Don't even say my name.
I'm your wife's son.
I don't even know how she put up with your shit.
I sure can't.
She probably would've lasted longer if it wasn't for you.
Get away from me.
You're nothing but shit.
Smash your face in if it wasn't for domestic assault charges.

One last time....

2009-03-16T00:17:00.000+11:00

No one should deserve the death penalty.

Whether it be smuggling many kilo's of coke into a country.

Or being the man behind the chain saw massacre.

Sentencing someone to the death penalty.

Is also murder...

I've never witnessed someone being sentenced to death.

But I sure have seen someone slowly die while they lie there.

While they look at you with eyes showing fear that will never be explain mearly with words.

While they cannot move they're thoughts travel through your mind.

How ever much you want to try and scream out, burst into tears and leave the room.

You'll know that thats the only time you'll see them...alive.

The fear, that goes through someone.

Just before they die.

Cannot be felt anywhere else.

The tears that roll down their cheeks.

While watching the bright white ceiling.

Before it starts melting away.

Before the darkness consumes their vision.

She breaths hard.

Her breaths are hard and fast.

Like a dog panting from a whole hours running.

Her mouth slighty open.

Her chest expanding and shrinking while she takes those quick breaths.

Drawing her last breaths from her stomach.

You realise the breathing stops.

You see her stomach slowly go down.

And you hear that last groan.

Before her hands falls off the hospital bed.

From running up to her hospital room.

Greeting her with a huge hug while shes reading a book on her bed.

Thinking it was just a bad case of the flu.

To getting driven to the hospital with the only thought of mom being in the intensive care unit.

After a biopsy.

After being told your own mother has lung cancer.

That was spreading to her heart.

Fourteen nights of sleeping on a plastic chair beside that green bed.

Fourteen nights of hospital food and no sight of sun.

After those late night walks to see stars and breath fresh outside air.

Bringing her home from the hospital for her last days.

Injecting morphine into that small tube put into her veins.

Watching her stare at you.

Those eyes filled with frustration and excrutiating pain.

Sleeping beside her with nothing but a sleeping bag for two weeks.

After a month of watching your own mother suffer.

After two months of freshly discovered bad news given to you over and over again.

You realise you mother.

Who gave birth to you.

Who loved you and cared for you.

Who always looked at you with those loving eyes.

Who always held your hand and gently led you out of the rain.

The mother that walked you to tennis for the first time.

The mother who you always looked up to for advice, companionship and love.

Is gone, dead. How ever you want to call it.

She will never knock on your door and ask if your alright.

She will never slowly open the door, walk in and hold you in her arms.

While she asks you about your troubles.

While she sits there with you in her arms reassuring you.

While you confess.

The mother who rushed to the hospital.

To hold your hand after being hit by a car.

Gone.

I don't want pity, for what I have wrote there.

I just want all of you to know, my story.

Even the strongest get torned down

2009-03-16T00:16:00.000+11:00

There are times when we fall to the ground.

Times when we actually feel the pain they talk about in stories.

There are situations when people let you down.

Somedays you wanna give up.

Because life is always so fu#ked up.

There are times when we've been hurt.

When we don't want to go on.

Even though we know we have to move on.

There are times when problems have no solutions.

When it hurts and theres other way to stop the pain.

But after all, what we don't die from we always gain.

Experiences make us special.

They make us unique.

Experience opens another option for us when we get into difficult times.

People have scars on their knees and arms.

People have scars on their faces and hands.

People have scars we can't see.

And when people finaly show those scars.

People don't understand.

Having scars puts us behind bars.

Because it reminds us of times we want to forget.

Times when we were down and out.

Times when we were hurt let down without a doubt.

Times when we lost people.

Times when we were feeble.
Most of the time we ave to ride through these pains.

And in the end, have so much knowledge to learn and gain.

Sometimes we breakdown.

Fall to the ground.

Times when we need someone but theres no one to be found.

Time never stops for us, time never helps us.

Time just keeps on going whether ure down or not.

No one lives a perfectly happy life.

We wish we would've done so many things, and we cry.

Even heroes die.

"Somedays I feel like shit, somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit".

Mine own

2009-03-16T00:09:00.002+11:00

...

Love- one word that drives us all to the corners of the world...

To find that one person, meant for them...

To spend their years staring in those same eyes...

To hold the hand that will never loose its power to mend all pains...

To hear that same voice that calms you through all thicks and thins...

Too bad theres no corners to the world...

And those eyes will keep changing...

That hand will come and go...

That voice will bring on new complications...

And love will hurt us all...

The never ending cycle that will soon lead to our own demise

2009-03-16T00:09:00.001+11:00

510,072,000 kilometer surface area of our home planet.
There will never be peace on this beautiful planet.
Never will be love between all of it's inhabitants.
No matter how hard we try.
There will be people there to fuck it up.
Different beliefs and religions clashing, making each and everyone one of us enemies to another.
Trying to achieve world peace is impossible.
Deep inside, we all know it will never be achieved.
Yet, we still pursue the idea.
Wishing that one day the world will be an Eden of respect and trust.

Under the roofs of some six and a half billion people.
There will always be depression, illness and death.
Some are born into a world of starvation and plagues.
Some are put out into a world of crime and capital punishment.
Financial problems is the main source of trouble.
Both for poor and rich alike.
Struggling to pay off the mortgage and feed the kids.
Loaning money from banks and knowing you'll never be able to repay the already swollen trash bag of debt.
We blame each other for causing such unrest in the world.
And so we should.
The invention of currency and money was one of the best ideas in history.
Even so, this "money" has been the problem for every single soul on earth.
Everyone just wants to make money from everyone else.
It's how money was made.
Some want it more than others.
Some need it more than others.
What can we do.

The advance of technology and the human race has led to our own demise.
Japanese and Americans had developed the Nuclear Bomb.
Russians have recently invented the Vacuum bomb.
Two of the most deadliest forces in the human inventory of death and destruction.
America pushes for world peace, and yet tears up countries to look for guerillas.
Viet-kong back in the day threatened and slaughtered many innocent lives.
War has caused the human race to develop new and more destructive weapons.
Medicine will only go so far without aid from companies and organizations with the grasp of large sums of money.

Why in a world of beauty, love and opportunity, do we have battered hands and scared faces on children barely past the age of sixteen.
Why, in a planet of such proportion, do we have people slaughtering thousands of their own kind JUST to prove a point.
Thing is, all were trying to do is survive.
It's a harsh world because were all making it one.
It'll never be an Eden.
If god was our creator, he would certainly be the one to cut loose our damaging lifestyles.

This bores a hole in my soul.
Knowing that no matter how much I do.
I will never make a noticeable difference.
I love all of humanity, no matter how harsh of destructive.
We all have souls and feelings.
Were just trying to survive.
I wish luck and prosperity to those in need.
Love to the world.

TJ

Six feet from the edge

2009-03-16T00:07:00.002+11:00

I can't believe I just let it leak out like that.
I know only a select few of you read this.
SO I might as well pour my heart and soul into this.
To make it clear why I'm always going for walks at night.
Why I hate my father.
Why Malaysia is so important to me.
Why I'm me.

My mother died when I was going through my last months of sixth grade.
Yes, my mother.
The one who gave birth to a 4 kilo, asian Tommy Junior Lee.
Jeannie Tan was my everything.
She was the one to pick me up when I fell.
The one to clean up my wounds and keep me company when I felt down.
Of course, at that time I never even brushed the thought of loosing her.
I never wanted to.
Those golden years every one labeled as primary school.
Yeah, those awesome years of catch and 50 cent Dim sims.
I had to end those "golden years" with the memory of my mother's hand slowly loosing grip of mine.
I graduated without a mother.
I lost the only thing that was keeping me cemented to the ground.
The only person I could run to, when the darkness consumed what daylight there was left in my room.
She was my mentor, my psychiatrist, my super-hero, my pillar of strength...my mother.
I remember every single passing second of her death.
I remember it as clearly as you can see your feet.
No child should ever go through that.
Never.
Ever.

I was lying beside my mother when she died.
In that white, disinfected room with the whirring of life support machines and what not.
I promised myself that I wouldn't let it happen.
I promised myself that things would get better.
My own father lied to me that she was getting better.
When those machines went off screeching and beeping.
I knew it was it.
They turned it off.
Why did they turn it off.
Why did they have to let me see it.
Why didn't I run away.
She looked at me.
She was gasping for air.
She was dying...
I was panicking, all those weeks of promising myself this wouldn't happen.
The tears just came.
When she stopped breathing,
and her hand slid away from mine.
That was when I ran to the seats outside and cried.
That was when my whole life was turned upside down and inside out.
That was the start of my life...

After that, my whole life has been a living hell.
Day after day, I added layers to this mask I put on when I talked to people.
This mask was the only thing that kept all those dreadful past memories away from people.
I've never let go of it.
I never plan to.
Not once, not ever.
The only time I am truly myself.
Is when I'm with myself.
Alone
That's what those walks are for.
To take off that mask and rub the crusty remains of tears off my face.
When my mom died, when that mask was made.
That was when I made a pact to myself.
I promise never to let people know what was going on in my head.
Deep inside, I was brooding.
I was continously thinking.
There are no resolutions to this.
There never will be.
No shrink will ever cure me.
I won't let them.
This mask, this beautiful invention of mine.
It's the only thing I have thats keeping me sane.
I feel comfortable hiding behind it.
No one knows its there.
No one has ever tried to look past it.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Maybe my eyes are black for a reason.

I'm a damaged character.
I always will be,
I still get along with people.
I still have friends.
And if having a mask is the only way to keep this life I have.
Then so be it.
This mask covers up the scars of my past.
Those scars will never heal.
They will never vanish into thin air.
I don't expect them to.

Many times I've told myself that there would be a rainbow after the gloomy rain.
Seems like my life is just a long dark tunnel and I'm feeling my way through.
There isn't light at the end of it.
There never will be.

Don't pity me,
Don't sympathize,
Don't even try and understand me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not denying my past.
I'm not denying my identity.
I'm just trying to live life without people having to think about what they say before they talk to me.
I just want people to talk to me and not realise what a terrible and damaged person I am.
I'm not into long fringes and black clothing.
I'm not into screamo music and cutting myself.
I express myself in a way that no one understands.
I like it that way.

Will I write more?

Tommy Lee Junior
Born 6th July
Lost his mother on that cold rainy night.

Unnamed

2009-03-16T00:07:00.001+11:00

Summer came and gone.
It was the vacations of vacations.
I've never gotten over having the time of my life sitting atop a 20 story building.
Staring at the cloudy sky, the steady stream of light shining through.
Beer in one hand.
Cigarette in the other.
My earphones lightly sending melodies and sounds of calm and slow joy through my ears and veins.
Times goes by and my month of bliss was up.
My time of bliss was quickly coming to an end.

Nothing perfect ever lasts.

Autumn came and past,
Thoughts of never being able to sit atop of what seemed a magical place.
A place of calm, serenity.
Pure heaven to the mind, body and soul.
Autumn was a confusing time for me.
I went through several mildly challenging moments.
I still came through...
Although there were times I wish I hadn't.

The human brain, pure genius.
Thanks father evolution.

Winter comes,
Dreading the day I turn sixteen.
Every year to my age just means more responsibilities.
More to worry about, more to take care of.
The stars are doing what they do best.
The moon, with it's enchanting iridescent glow.
The combination mixed in with gentle chilly breezes and the sounds of night.
Seems to take the weight of the world off my shoulders as long as I was lying out on my driveway.
Some call me quiet,
Some call me energetic.
I like my quiet moments.

Where does it all go.

Spring will soon put life into the withered plants and flowers.
Revive the hearts that died in the gloom of winter.
Love will find a select few of us.
It always does.
September is just another month to most.
I would've been a landmark moment for me.
Points taken off,
Now it's just another month of silent nights and a head full of impossible chances.
October will follow.
The eighth month of the year.
In all it's glory, it really has nothing to offer me.
Year after year.
October has never had a surprise for me.

Come November,
I await the thoughts and memories of sitting atop that twenty story building once more.

Where does the time go.
Spent waiting and wishing.

Feeling small

2009-03-16T00:05:00.002+11:00

really haven't written anything worth while here for ...a bit.
I really can't say much about me.
Nothings changed at all.
Maybe lost track a bit with the way I act and the way I feel.
But overall, still nostalgic and living in the past.

I've been really lazy with classes and school in general.
I even wagged Food Tech a couple of times...
Thats gotta tell you something...
I guess what I'm really trying to say is...
I really don't know what I'm living for anymore,
I've been single and I'm actually enjoying what it has to offer.
Although, there are times when I just needed someone to hug and fall asleep with.
Forget the past, forget the present, forget the troubles the future will bring.

A friend told me to write down what I feel,
to acknowledge what I'm going through and how to get through it.
Well, here it goes..

I feel...lost, without a path. As though my train has just derailed but is still crashing through what was beautiful scenery.
I feel...useless, not needed. Why am I here? I am not needed, I am not wanted here...I have no use, no...meaning or reason.
I feel scared....scared of what is to become of me, although I have the power to change all of it, I don't have the will to change. I have nothing and no-one to change for.
I feel...like I'm drowning.

I can't breath, yet I'm still sitting in this room my own brain created. Filled with poisonous smoke, filling my lungs with thoughts of wanting to run away, thoughts of wanting to escape to a place where nothing of my past could follow.
I'm burying myself in work and my beloved hobby, as though I'm scared of facing the life I have to live.
The friends I used to love hanging out with, are now distant, because of me.
Because of what I'm scared to do, accept that I'm alone?
Accept the facts surrounding me?
The skinny, useless, brainless, lonely nobody that I am?
Why can't I just take it like a man and keep going.
Why does this always have to chase up to me.

I've hit rock bottom and the rocks and soil I've kicked up on the way down has finally buried me alive.
I feel as though I'm just a soul drifting along this world with nothing else to do but hinder everyone else's life.
I'm going to stop.
Because this whole damned space is just about me.
What about everyone else.

This little heaven of mine

2009-03-16T00:05:00.001+11:00

I loved the way the humid, almost lukewarm wind would brush past my face, play with my hair like grass in the wind.
I loved the way the beach chair would creak silently every time I reclined and sighed.
The cold beer in my hand, slowly refreshing my senses. Yet at the same time taking me into a state of trance in tiny minuscule steps.
The sun, threatening to scorch my feet on the rough swamp green surface of that wonderful rooftop, or the moon, peeking through the thin mist that always seemed to dance around it in that part of the world.
The smell of moisture in the air, food from the stalls nearby, sounds of the beach below.
I really can't point out what that place makes me feel.
It's a feeling of floating just above the ground, feeling weightless yet almost having all the power in the world.
Being able to look over the sides and peer twenty floors down.
Observing the busy atmosphere of the food stalls, night markets and congested two lane intersections.
Yet on the other side, the calm dark waters of the sea.
The ever gentle moon casting it's wisps of light to the tips of each small wave.

To have found that place was a stroke of luck.
I don't regret a millisecond of it.
It's always a chore to peel myself from the red blue and yellow beach chair riddled with rust and age, to leave that heaven, trapped in such a small space.
There are no walls, no ceiling, nothing but a couple of vents and two taller extensions cradling gigantic cubes of water storage containers.
I loved it there, sitting, staring, drinking, smoking.
No judgments were made there,
no decisions or conclusions.
Just thoughts of serenity and my love for such boundless seclusion.
It's my long lost hiding place.
It'll never leave, and I'll never forget about it.
It's a place in the world where my fears and mistakes cannot follow.
Where my past follows each silent barefooted step of mine like a shadow, speaking not a word, restricted from casting it's doubts by this calm serenity.
This little heaven of mine.

TJ